sarah, when I told her about my awesome weekend gardening feats.
you’ve got to feel the sarcasm inherent in that statement. I’m 24 years old, single, newly graduated, and if you asked me what i like, i would respond without a moment of hesitation that my passions are 1) houses; 2) creating nice gardens, and; 3) cooking. hmmmmm! that was 1 month ago. incredibly, though i’d registered the sarcasm, it took a little while for the actual ramifications to sink in. and when they did,… well, hahaha, i was one sheepish teddy. lemme explain…
before i came to love gardening, houses and cooking, they were an anathema to me. they wasted my time, my energy and my effort. i have to be ordered – and sometimes, literally dragged – out of the chair in front of my computer to perform such menial work as mowing, throwing the rubbish, or helping to prepare dinner. disgusting! yet, over the last 18 months, i’ve come to enjoy these things for what they stand for – independence, wealth, establishment, and order. good things, right?
(the house&garden, 6 months ago. antithesis of independence, wealth, establishment, and order...)
only, one must remember that too much of a good thing can kill you, or, more applicably, that balance must be maintained for the system to be in ‘harmony’. and let me tell you, when one is 24, single, potentially looking and just into a job, doing ALL these things in your past-time does not give you a lot to talk about with a prospective audience! gahhhh =__=
i had the opportunity to leaf through some of my blogging history as well as other memorabilia from the older days (around 2002-2006). As i did, it became apparent how much i had changed and why, now more than ever, i’m finding it hard to meet my social objectives. here, i’ve identified three relational barriers that seem to have crept up on me.
1) i don’t care about my appearance. although i’m tuned to my physique, I’ve alienated the fashion and self-pride component (i blame that as an ongoing backlash from my metro days). i mean, i don’t care what i wear, or if it matches, or how it fits… i’d taken the motto ‘anything goes’, ridden it too far, then beat it into the ground and kept on jumping on it long past it’s use-by date. Unfortunately, while guys generally don’t mind, girls do notice these things…
2) i have withdrawn. my curiosity isn’t outwardly directed anymore. i ask the questions inside and find answers indirectly. although that helps me synthesize my thoughts better, it doesn’t exactly make for engaging table talk. oh, granted there have been times i’ve done otherwise – thinking namely of queenie, louisa, orangey, ray and cathy – but those times are now few and far between, whereas they used to be de rigeur.
3 i’m prejudging people. it happens instinctively in most people, but normally there is a kill-switch of sorts that can retard the input. for me, i seem to have lost that switch. and i figured out the greatest source of my frustration is that, the girls i really like, i am inclined to instinctively reject!!! (because of certain stereotypes) aiyah…
those three things change today. well, they changed as of last week, once i realised what i was doing to myself. And what was I doing to myself? hmmm, i guess you could say it was a very abstract, yet functional suicide. Or, given that without a girl I can’t do certain things, maybe genocide. hahaha ^^ i will still like my gardens, houses and cooking, but they are now second to the ME; the self-investment that needs to be secured before all other things can be added onto it.
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