VirtuaLife

1.5 years, gone in the blink of an eye. How time flies. =P

It only seemed like a few weeks ago that Ruby shuffled through the front door in her Mitchelton uniform. And it’s only been a few days since she left back for China, but the house seems quieter, more empty, less... real. Doesn’t matter that Dan and Dot are now living here too, it just lacks that... kick.

I’ve never considered myself to be a good homestay brother. I tend to stay away from the homestay girls, on the premise that we have different interests, we’re not 'truly' related and we’re from opposite genders – yeah that’s right, I don’t want to entertain any hanky panky. I do remember after reflecting on the nightmare that was Akina – that is to say, I was her nightmare homestay sibling =( - that I promised myself I would be a better homestay brother.

So did anything change for Ruby?

Not much, unfortunately. I was friendly, in a distant kind of way. I invited her out to events, but I never pushed her. I offered advice, shared some jokes, gave reprimands on certain things, but I never really got involved. And, as the realisation dawned on me that she’d be packing up her bags soon, I was sick with guilt. Another missed opportunity. I had to do something. I did the only thing that means anything to me. I gave her my time.

For the five days following her graduation, I spent roughly 40 hours knocking up a videologue of her and her friends as they received their certificates and danced with coursemates they would probably never see again. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so compelled to offer myself as I did for this video. By way of comparison, Becky’s video was an exercise in discipline. Heartfelt, sure, but I didn’t have 10GB+ of media to filter, alter and apply FX to.

I struggle to place what exactly Ruby means to me, which probably isn’t helped by the fact that I’ve never really talked too in-depth with her. I respect her for her determination, her single-mindedness, and her dreams, and I am proud of her for striving to set a standard higher than she can comfortably achieve. I can find affection for her little oddities, such as not eating dinner and using the hoola-hoop –with-bells-attached in her room to try and slim down. I’m saddened by her staunch adherence to Chinese custom, for without it I really believe she can soar to much greater heights. I’m worried about her detachment to the rest of her friends, a path I’ve trod along far too often to know the havoc it can bring to a person’s life, especially females. But I guess if there is one thing I do admit to myself, it to affirm that yes, I do care for her. More than I’ve admitted to myself for the last 18 months.

I hope she keeps in contact. I really want to see how she grows, and changes. She is rosebud right now, just waiting to bloom. Waiting for someone to water her. Waiting, watching, too shy to ask and too stubborn to try. Soon, Ruby; your time will be soon =).

But in the meantime, I have some questions to ask myself. How do I want to behave for the next homestay?

Sigh...

Every day is a new day.

And today, I am completely pissed off.

‘Completely’, because the offence is consistent. Yes, I know I’m lazy, mum. And thanks for telling me again Dot, I know I’m pretty slovenly. Yes mum, I forget to clean the dishes sometimes. Yes Dot, I don’t jump at the opportunity to answer you when you yell at me in the morning before I’ve woken up. Yes mum, I have messy friends who sometimes don’t clean up after themselves. Oh I’m sorry Dot, I forgot to ask you if you needed me before I decided to take a little holiday after my exams. You’re totally right mum, I’m really disrespectful and only ever think of myself. Sorry Dot, I'm a horrible driver and I give you headaches.

Probably for the first time in my life, I don’t really wonder anymore at why people commit suicide, or even murder. It’d be pretty easy right now, for me. I’ve discovered this ‘meaninglessness’ that I’ve always heard about and even studied, but never truly experienced. It’s that feeling like no matter what you do, how hard you fight, how fast you run, or how determined you are you still manage to achieve... nothing. Just nothing. And who cares? Nobody. And what difference does it all make? None.

I’m sick of trying to live my dreams. I’m sick of striving to become better as a person. I’m sick of trying to maintain integrity. I’m sick of seeing things differently to the people who should be closest to me, me family and church. I feel like yelling at God – correction, I’ve already yelled at him today – hey, You know what?!? Although Jesus was persecuted, at least his family stood by him!

I wish I wasn’t so curious. I wish I’d never asked God to give me a passion for relationships, to understand how they work. I wish I’d never excelled in school, so that expectations weren’t set so high. I wish I felt really insecure, because then maybe I could see some reason in the things that others choose to accuse me of. I wish I could be a blind, loyal follower, since they seem to get all the perks in Heaven without the headache. I wish... I didn’t have a family.

One thing is right, however. I still remember the words spoken over my life, the words of prophecy. “You have the heart of David!” It was probably the least remarkable part of my prophecy then, but I remember it now. And I remember that young David, gallant and fearless in all things before God, could look at the King who was trying to kill him and still feel love in his heart.

The heart of David. Somewhere along the line, I’ve lost it. And now, I need it more than ever. God, please have mercy on me. Give me a new day.

Its been a long time since I've been really tickled by a concept (Mazda Furai was the last one) but this one really caught my eye.



Infiniti Essence - 2010 diesel sports saloon. It's everything I think the R35 GTR should have been. Probably not much news to car-savvy peeps since its been out for a while but I've been off the scene, and only recently unearthed it.




And those seats! Built-in huggers - who needs recaros? I feel like a seed in a gumnut just looking at it. Ahhh, wishful thinking. Still, the concept is around 5m long, which is almost sausage-like in my opinion. Any city driver should be at or under the 4.75m mark. Makes navigating disgusting roads and tight corners easier.

Okay, back to reality.

Bridge to Brisbane pictures are here!

There isn’t actually too much to recount – the night and day kind of passed in a blur of colours, smells (those portable toilets? eughh) and random comments. But we do have some snaps to cherish the moment...



There was some novelty in transitioning from our UQ midnight frolicks to an actual event, even if it was a fun run. So we took the time to enjoy the fact we would become part of a swarming mass advertising scheme - and not be paid.



After the novelty wore off...



... you had to write your details on the running sticker just in case you fainted. At least, thats what I'm guessing. WHy would anybody else need to read your tag except when the ambos come to get you?



The RFID tag, integrated into the shoe. It's a pretty nifty device, although I was aware of it as I ran. made the shoe feel awkward every time i was overtaking, like I'd lost some flexibility.

No pictures of the run itself, sorry Zoe hehehe, but we were all sweaty and splotchy after so nothing glam that you're missing out on.

yey :) our first run.

teDDe~

AaaaaahQ!



That was NOTHING like how I envisaged crossing the line...

...well, the night before, anyway.

Will report later =)

Was driving back home after Work Service placement some days ago and happened to flick the radio to Nova for some bouncy music. Instead what I got was a talk on… relationships.

Charlie (self-named) was talking about letting her partner sleep around. To paraphrase Charlie… “I can’t control him, and I don’t want to be hurt not knowing what he’s doing, so as long as he tells me about it, I’m okay with it.” To further put an interesting twist on matters, Charlie herself prefers not to sleep around.

I’m not sure how the conversation started, but I believe it had something to do with one of the talkshow hosts who was asserting that there are no real rights or wrongs. Interesting assertion, because that brings us right to the heart of morality, and whether it is relative or absolute.

Evolutionary science either purports a state of no morality – spontaneously we arose, eventually we’ll die, and there’s no rules in between – or an anthropic, subjective morality – what we do and what we believe is ingrained due to a need or desire to survive – but never a position of absolute morality. Because believing in absolute morality confers the honour of human existence to something that preceded it… something that set the standards long before we could humans do so ourselves.

That something... is someone. That someone... is our salvation.

In a Godless, secular society, Charlie’s views are perfectly justified and the talkshow advocate is right in saying that the customs and norms of our culture will soon be supplanted by a newer, more liberated one. Indeed, the Australian constitution is based on Christian beliefs, and in a society that is increasingly un-Australian, that constitution is outdated and inappropriate. Kudos to Chris for pointing out that only 7% of Australians attend church service weekly, and another 14% attend it monthly. Might I hazard the controversial suggestion that only a fragment of those who even attend the physical church understand what it means to be Christian?

ONe thing I take out of this is that I have many secular friends who do not believe in sleeping around or other such… liberties; friends who believe in, without saying it in so many words, a relative morality. Friends who support and often ardently defend their beliefs without realising that they’re already straddling the fence of disbelief.

Many aspects of human nature demonstrate absolute morality. For example, intentionally killing a human baby without rhyme or reason is a reprehensible act. Violating someone physically without consent, particularly in a sexual manner, is both vile and detestable. Asking somebody for their opinion and then not accounting for that opinion at all is a most outspoken form of insincerity. Seeing suffering or injustice and not doing anything about it is wrong. Universally. All of these ‘cause-and-effect’ scenarios are universal. With the exception that a particular culture creates rules that justify immoral acts, they are universal.

The Bible says that we were ALL created with an aspect of God in us. People who believe and people who don’t, we are all reflections of an Intelligent Designer - our God - who left His fingerprints over all our design. People can question it, and people will fight it, or find ways to work around it as Charlie did, but at the end of that path is only despair and loneliness. I can’t say I envy her… choices.

It’s not pretty.

On a more light-hearted note I did my scoping report today on my 36yo female security guard and single mother of a 12yo boy. She sustained a FOOSH (broken [R] collarbone) and an impact assessment of her life needed to be done. As the case was a mockup, we (the ergo team) had some leeway to be creative. My favourite picks…

Chris H – A marine biologist called Jacqui Cousteau who specialised in dugong rodeo, had developed carpal tunnel syndrome while in her second trimester of pregnancy.
Zoe R – A 19yo female ski patroller and aspiring musician who was diagnosed with bilateral moderate hearing loss after a snow machine exploded in close proximity to her.
Amy OK – can’t remember her guy (apart from him being called Stan) but it had something to do with TBI? We were laughing throughout the whole presentation, though. Good job, Amy!

My client was called Margaret Thatcher, an English immigrant who had serious family issues and a love of fondling guns. If the irony is lost on you, look up the history of British Prime Ministers and gun law in the UK. Not exactly coherent, but I had much fun in creating the scenario, and the delivery of it seemed to go well with the team, supervisors included. More than once I had to stop my speech coz I was afraid the next noise out of my mouth would be a goofy giggle. What more can you want than a workplace who you can be your own silly self to?

I’ve cooked for the team as well. I’m taking the opportunity to embed in myself a responsibility for home life, which I see as yet another piece of the ‘future’ puzzle I’m preparing for. I’d rather do it now than when my girlie expects me to be churning out super dishes as the norm, hahaha =). The OTs are great guinea pigs; they’re very supportive and give good feedback on how to cook better or refining the taste. I can rely on Jason (and Chris if it’s lactose-free) to eat at least one portion without complaint. The three supervisors are a hilarious lump of personality; each with very polarised but funny views of the way things should be (including guys and cooking).

Mid-unit feedback tomorrow. Will be good knowing where I stand with ergonomics. I wouldn’t mind graduating into this area, to be honest. Personal gratification from miraculously curing chronic patients is a bit overrated when I feel more beaten than a punching bag at the end of a clinic day.

Gonna bring in the camera tomorrow and get some picture action! I love my workplace, love this OT-PT mix; passing would be a bonus hahaha =)

Had a good conversation with mummy Lim the other day. We were talking about… excellence.

It is a blessing of my upbringing; I’ve never found excellence hard. Now I don’t mean that I’m a brilliant person, coz I’m not. Nor is excellence a lightbulb that I turn on or off at my slightest fancy. No, the reason why I don’t find excellence hard is because when I see the point in something, I surrender myself to it totally. I surrender to learn, to master whatever is given to me. And even if it’s not always recognised by secular systems, I’m more than pleased with the results.

It’s also a downfall of my character. Because ‘excellence’ is not an issue for me, I see hypocrisy whenever people claim to have the conviction but do not exhibit any of the trademarks of one aspiring to excellence. I’ve been called snobbish or elitist many times for my lack of tolerance for such people, personalities. Not that I mind; in principle, many of these people claiming a hair of pride in my life have humorously neglected the logs in their own.

The consistency of such claims is telling, in many ways. On one hand I have a group of people, mostly Christian friends, some work mates and some course mates who think my nose is so stuck up it could be mistaken for a miniature mountain. On the other hand, I have a larger group of work mates, school friends, and some Christian friends who have called me humble beyond a doubt. Whose right? Are any of them right? Do the opinions of one group balance out the other? Perception is a funny thing.

One thing I do know is that I cannot abide in anyone for long who does not have the same commitment to excellence as me. There are many girls I’ve liked, many guys who I thought I could have nursed a cold beer with, who in the end I’ve let go because our contrasting views on how life should be lived are so disparate.

I just want to be me. I just want a close group of friends who think and act the same way as me. Popularity is overrated. Controversy is a full-time job and a half. And when both sides of the relationship don’t match, there’s so much friction it wouldn’t be a surprise to see sparks fly.

Last night I made kuejadas and pandesal. It was one of those spur-of-the-moment things, and I began to mix the ingredients even before I’d worked out if I had enough of every ingredient in the first place! The timing was right, though; I’d just pumped myself through the pain barrier doing a hill climb and needed to take it easy. The peeps at work also go gaga over baking so I thought I’d do myself a favour and clear my contribution early, before the work piled on…

Despite poor time management (my 2 hour affair with pandesal turned into a 3.5 hours slumberfest) I managed to get the darn things done and looking pretty decent. Was annoyed with myself for not budgeting a buffer but happy that I’d be doing my teeny weeny bit to make work a happier, better fed place =).

And that’s the key, really. I realised that it’s been a while since I’ve given anything to anyONE I don’t know well or don’t like without seeking to test them in some manner. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to sit back, just be myself and not care what anyone thinks, regardless of whether they are my best friend or a complete stranger. Of course, my best friends get me at full intensity, but even those I don’t particularly like… they deserve to at least see me for who I am, right?

Defensive. That’s what we all are. I hesitate to say that it is what [society] has become because I’m sure that the human condition has always been this way. On my part, I didn’t consider myself defensive until I realised the protections I’ve built into my life are so much like a second skin… it’s all over me, but I hardly pay it any attention. What defences? Being dismissive, for one; regarding the musings of other people as simplistic and predictable. Howabout misleading? I can put on personalities like I put on suits, yet instead treating it as a blessing I use it to mock others’ shortcomings. And cynical? It’s an attitude that generally hits the mark for a fallen society but falls woefully short of the mark when somebody genuine comes along.

I’m happy with where I am at the moment. I am in a workplace with people whose habits, personalities and sense of professionalism stands as a sharp contrast against my own, yet I am perfectly contented to give to them, and give again, expecting nothing back.

This is life… unrestrained.

teDDe~

Woke up at 3:45AM. Checked the clock. Less than two hours sleep; the realisation made my joints groan and my eyes close again with disbelief. But I pulled myself out of bed and swept into the house, stumbling around like a drunk skittle while trying to find my camera, apples, nad clothes (not in that order).
We were going to see the sun rise!



I am a fan of the transitions, of dusk and dawn. To watch the sky, painted as a canvas in a multitude of hues over several beautiful minutes, is the beginning of understanding change as an amazing and life-bearing force. To witness the drowsy stirrings of the morning birds even as the first pulsing rays chart their path along the grounds, is contentment. At times, the world runs like clockwork, yet its citizens, snared safe in their cozy blankets, never fathom its workings.

The languid pace of dawn on the beach also lends itself well to the reflective mind. More than once I wondered whether inviting others to accompany my life would result in a shattering of the harmony, a breaking of the peace that I have found over the years. Thankfully it did not. The girlies were able to enjoy themselves, snapping pictures and chirping away while I lost myself in two worlds of unashamed beauty and magnificence. The world my God has created, and the world in my mind.



Fantasy is a dangerous drug. The world we know is one where every action has a reaction, and every choice carries a consequence. Where lives are broken again and again over issues of trust, or wayward emotions, or reckless actions. But the world in my mind entertains a Hollywood kind of pain, a transient pain that lasts only long enough to be dramatic and not malicious. In my mind, I have my future, my dreams, and my goals laid out like the many faces of a diamond, with me gazing out from within.

Some of those faces are pure and true. Endorsed, they shall shine well into the future beyond any doubt of reason. Other faces, I wonder whether they have become tainted with the malingering bitterness and egocentrism so typical of this world. I hope not.

Because among the faces unspoken for, is me. Who I WILL become in time to come? And because, somewhere in there there is my girl. MY girl.

I look at the sun again, which has thrown off its bedsheets with vigour and is climbing an invisible ladder to take its throne in the sky. Shine, baby. Just shine.

Last night a group of us went to watch transformers. It was such an interesting night!

I learned my first lesson when arranging group movies; movie times DON’T stay the same week-to-week. Which resulted in my mad SMS scramble to rearrange everyone at the last minute. Sadly, had to deny Jon dinner rights for the night due to the re-organisation. Sorry mate! Will make it up to you. Next movie night is just around the corner.

I also learned how chubby my legs have become since I stopped regular running. I squeezed into my black mustangs which were only bought about 2 months ago... with squeezed as the operative word. Aiyah. And to think I’ve been deceiving myself looking into the mirror to assess the side profile of my tummy. 2D analysis lies! It’s time to get more specific with the pinch tests. Didn’t I say I was going to practise them on Yugo?

Mooi also brought a friend along for the night. Yay! I love new faces, and May seemed like a nice person. Not that one gets to talk alot in movies? Outreach is not about the obligation of bringing people to an understanding of God through the physical church or Christian-dominant meetings, it IS about the desire of showing your life to them as a testimony of what God has done and can do. New faces are amazing lives to me, unique people with unique experiences and ways of understanding the world. And each and every one loved so dearly by God. I will never tire of seeing new faces.

The movie itself. It surpassed my expectations primarily because I had none, apart from wondering how much CGI the developers had to use to transform $5.99 Kmart toys into a movie blockbuster that captivates the 20-somethings. But it was a great movie! Not because of its narrative ability (very little), or Megan’s cute butt cheeks – you know, that pose of her on the motorcycle is bad for her back ah. Nah, I loved the ‘nobility’ of Optimus Prime, which made me feel all cozy in a tiny grand-kid kinda way. There was al ump in my heart when he got ... ummm, compromised (dun wanna spoil it for those who haven’t watched)? And the transforming and fighting scenes were tight and kept you dialled into the action. Lastly, I love it coz it is the third movie in recent times (after Cars and Wall-E) which has – I believe – escalated the art of personifying inanimate objects. Like Bumblebee crying? Pure class. And the ever-arguing, ever funny twins? Amazing. The combination of humor, action, and an otherworldly-but-not-so-cliche setting were a potent combination. Recommended.

As the lucky (or unlucky, depending on perspective) guy among four girlies, I took the opportunity to dial back my script and absorb their chatter. Four girls, four different walks of life. And despite their uniqueness, there were subtle parallels between the way they acted, and what they looked for in the conversation. Sigh. My gender radar feels so broken – it’s hard to psychoanalyse peeps at the moment. I wonder how that happened?

Last reflection. Most people in a social context look for affirmation of the things they say and do. I guess this is where I alienate myself! For most people I know reasonably well, I’ve already decided what image I want to portray long before the conversation. When I talk to people or do things in front of them, I’ve already pre-empted their reactions based on what I know of them through their body language, reactions and history. Satisfaction for ME in a social context comes from accurately predicting peoples’ reactions, whether they are positive or negative. It demonstrates to me that my model is working =). Kette showed me the other night though how wrong I could be, and we had a bit of an awkward moment over the phone. Ahh, some humble pie to remind me that probability will never equate with truth.

Thank you, God ^^.

Never pray for something you don’t really intend to receive.

Just under three weeks ago, now, my lifegroup was immersed in a phase of prayer. I had asked my leader to pray for a ‘greater challenge’ in my clinical studies as I was feeling under-utilised and too comfortable with my current placement workload. Hence, my daily activities became increasingly mundane while I got more restless and distractible. As reinforcement to my true intent, I wrote down this prayer on a slip of paper and contributed it to the lifegroup’s prayer bowl. Those who know me well would recognise the significance of this action, as symbolism plays a pretty miniscule part of my life.

The week after submitting this request to God, I began to proactively push my clinical educator to ramp up the pressure on me. Note that I was asking to be marked and assessed harder than the other students. Unknown to me, I had already subconsciously decided that the challenge would come in the form of academic or clinical excellence, an area that I have struggled to maintain any form of consistency over the last 4 years. In some ways, this focus invoked the ‘crowns’ of my past, a past which God freely gave, and also saw fit to take away. In retrospect, then, it was an erroneous desire to harbor.

The second week after – that was one week ago – a combination of circumstances led to some flawed critical decision-making on my behalf, in which I directly undermined the clinical educator’s authority. Basically, as I felt I was being ineffective during clinical time, and with an afternoon free of commitments, I decided to leave the hospital early in order to go home and complete a research project. I did so by informing all higher authorities... except my clinical educator. The resulting hullaballoo this caused was intense.

It was in the resulting fallout I discovered the challenge God had set for me was not one of academic or clinical scope, but rather professionalism. That I could even have thought to pre-empt God’s actions over my life now is laughable, and the shock of being subject to a disciplinary report (with strong implications for graduation) was enough of a system shock that it lasted slightly more than 24 hours... that’s even longer than the chaoticism++ when I was unwittingly ‘dumped’ by J! Moreover that God could challenge me in an area I upheld as a bastion of my integrity... really brought me to my knees. And brought my face from *smug* =] to *stunned* =O. Such are the joys of serving my sovereign and mysterious God!

What were the challenges? To a lessor extent, I was found to be in breach of the Institutions’ (Hospital and Australian Physiotherapy Association (APA)) Code of Conduct. Fair enough, I can take that one on the chin as I can say I’ve never read the APA Professionalism chapter from start to finish! The other challenge my clinical educator posed to me, however, was that I was proud. More specifically ‘cocky and arrogant; definitely you got some pride, mate’.

*muscles tense up – tedde’s starting to spoil for a fight*

Cocky, I understand. In fact, I need to appear confident and in control when treating patients; it’s one of the desirable qualities of a new graduate. Perhaps he was annoyed that I was dismissive of the other student’s suggestions for assessment and treatment at times, but would he rather me be like a stray leaf, at the mercy of whichever direction the wind blows in? In the context of clinical practice, I don’t have a lazy 30 minutes to explain my rationale for REJECTING somebody’s ideas because I have a patient in the cubicle who’s itching to get out again. But I digress. There are ways to be confident and in control without coming across as cocky.

But pride. Pride. PRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIDDDDDE. Bollocks@! Asdfghjkl!

Feel my pain. I’m sure that pride is a personal war to all of us, so for me to claim the war on pride as my own would be pure foolishness, Yet I do wonder if anybody has ever fought it as intensely, day-by-day, hour-by-hour, pouring so much thought into it at times that I can be completely spent just from the mental struggle. Pride has been my Goliath since I was 13 years old (fitting age, really???), such that I am now intimately acquainted with its many manifestations and disguises. For me, to be accused FIRST AND FOREMOST of pride is akin... to be accused of being meaningless, being redundant! Gosh, when God picks a fight, He sure knows where to land the punches!

So, the issue was flagged and my mind (or my single neuron, as known to a select audience) went from 1% boredom idling to 150% overtime with stress factors ++. I went home after clinic that day and the first thing I did was pull out the Bible, mummy Lim’s ancient Concordance (so heavy you could benchpress it!) and several other reference works. I wanted to administer the true litmus test; the Bible’s understanding of pride. Over the next 1-2 hours I scrutinised verses, cross-referenced passages, reflected on aspects of my life – many aspects! – prayed and digested. The end result? I was found GUILTY.

Guilty because in my habit of picking apart and dissecting everything and everyone, I was engaged in a dangerous dance. Despite acknowledging the integrity differential between myself and Christ, I was fighting over the very crumbs between others and myself that He had told me not to! Actually, it wasn’t even a fight. As far as I was concerned I’d already had the crumbs and was trying to discover the recipe for dough =]. And guilty because I deplore the false humility of many Christians who play down their services but ‘not-so-secretly’ desire praise and flattery from their peers – I firmly advocate acknowledging one’s worth, not any more or less than is due. Well, I still do. But I recognise my own integrity was founded on a perception of flawed Christians’ actions, and not the true humility espoused by the Bible.

At the end of the day, after the system shock has subsided, the male hormones have been reset and I have once again found an inner wobble board to frolic on (ever wondered why I can be so quirky?). God knew it would take nothing short of a thunderclap to shake me out of my cruisy reverie, and He went straight for my spiritual trigger points. I have reason to be thankful in that this... cancer... did not descend as deeply as feared, but remain humbled that God will still challenge me on this issue.

And full of praise that my King faithfully and consistently answers prayers! I should pray for this MORE! XD

We make the choice, God makes the change. Father, break me again AND again, but only so that you can make me purer and more fitting for Your service.

In Faith, Hope and Love!
teDDe~

Zhijie is leaving.

Perhaps because I'm a guy, I shed no tears. Perhaps I'm just hard-hearted. Or I see more than the mere symbolism of departure; a faint whiff of escapism, perhaps? After 5 years of rollercoaster friendship, it comes down to a single, defining moment. Like that first hairline crack in the impregnable bulkhead of a warship.

Perhaps its also a measure of my distress that after 4 months of inaction, this one event would elicit a response worthy of posting. Is this what our friendship comes down to? A few manly words, a gruff handshake, eyes that dart all over the place and words unspoken busting out of everwhere except the mouth? For all that I boast of my strength in relationships, the pain of parting is not lessened, but in fact intensified.

I'm going to miss him.

Not because he stuck by me doggedly. Not because he could tolerate my acid tongue behind a shield of affability. Not because he trusted me to tell he the things that hurt him... through and through. Not even because he was a Christian, for he wasn't. No, those aren't reasons why I would miss him.

I'll miss him because beyond the forgetfullness, beyond the indecision, beyond the outrageous flirting that I never condoned was a person struggling to make sense of life. Even as I invested my own life to understand this quirky, complex character, through simple, flawed integrity he taught me so much about what it means to be... human.

We said a simple goodbye tonight, just Z, Katrina and myself, braving the chill to share hot chocolate and cheesecake. We mulled over the design of our lives where they used to run together, and where and how they finally began to diverge. We dwelled on career, on fun, and also purpose. And then Katrina being, well, Katrina, well, we mulled over relationships.

How stricken we must be as a people to have that thing we desire most - love, that is - afflicted by a corruption of the mind. To have it twisted around, battered by the winds of ignorance and egocentrism until it is a deformed, pitiful reflection of its former self. Z with his issues. Kat with her own (currently buried but not resolved). Me with... well, mine, I suppose. Each with a different problem, but stemming ultimately from the same perversion that made love become a thing to be treated with antipathy and caution. Shame on us, as humans. That we could take something so beautiful and cherished and tarnish it in an instant, without nary as much as a backward glance.

Kat also reminded me (as she does) tonight what it means to be human. With Zhijie temporarily out of order from our escalating voices, she told me in her own special way that I. expect. way. too. much from. any. human. girl. Fair call, even if I did see the need to argue just out of habit. Reinforcing God's releasing prophecy over my life, Kat pointed out that even without criteria, I was aiming only slightly short of perfection, and that nobody would stay in my scope the more I got to know them. Mmmm, I can see where that is going. Now, we shall see where God's grace brings me by entertaining this line of thought.

So Zhijie is going, going gone, just like Jing deserted me last year. Just like I did for Jing, the greatest gift I could give was not my presence, or a well-thought present, or a few typically-tedde jokes. No, it was a simple, heart-felt prayer. For the manifestation of God's authority over his life and for the glory of Heaven as I have known it to become real to this dearly cherished friend, who was not afraid to show me just how human he was.

God, take authority ove his life. I intercede on behalf of him, who does not know how to pray. Hear my cry, even as You, mighty One, know the very needs of your faithful.

teDDe~

I'll rewind the clock back to January 4, 2008, taking a snippet out of the old blog on my written resolutions -

QUOTE

Micah 6:8 - He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.

It distills into three (3) things.

1) Integrity. To practice what I preach. to live a life that is the same whether anyone is watching or not. To live the dream that plays out again and again in my mind. 2) Loving mercy. To give when unwarranted, not because I should, but because I want to. To let my heart break with the same things the break His heart. And very honestly, I have a heart so hard at the moment you'd need a diamond drill to break into it :). 3) Humility. As Eve said, as Vitamin once commented, and as most other friends have variously remarked... I have none. =P Plain and simple, like vanilla ice-cream. I know where I stand with that.

So, these three things. That is what it means to succeed with God. And, I guess what it means to be a fulfilled and strong Christian. On the basis that I demonstrate NONE (or negative values) of these, I think I'm very far away from being a strong Christian. I guess admitting it is the very first step towards becoming more humble. And it hurts! =P

ENDQUOTE

Of the three, I feel like I have truly begun to understand the concept and practise of humility. It has become much easier over the last 12 months to discern the wisdom of others' commentary and know whether their perceptions are grounded in the reality of the situation or not. It IS true, real humility is often mistaken for arrogance. Too often people personalise a circumstance, which often leads to incorrect judgements. On different note, I have spent the last 12 months breaking or being broken for the prideful inflexibility with which I have lived my life. Lesson learnt? Yes. But there is always more to do. Having said that, I am comfortable that I have (for now) achieved the goal of humility. In terms of integrity and loving mercy, I have also made small but incremental progress in those areas. Nothing that gives glory to God, apart from the tears of effort to say that I tried with everything I had. I guess I couldn't ask for more?

Another set of New Years criteria that gradually formed throughout the year, this is 1 Cor 3:13 (NASB)- But now faith, hope love, abide these three - and the greatest of these is love. Once again, partially fulfilled. My faith has grown in the last several months as I have come to acknowledge God more, to treat Him as real in my life rather than just someone I talk to but not act with. Hope, now there's an interesting one - I have widened my hope for the future, embraced a vision bigger than I consider myself humanly capable of. What is my hope? That God would use me as a vessel for His works. To speak life back into the lifeless, to give joy to the joyless and bring rest to the restless. Indeed, that has been a new hope in my soul. And love? I believe that by growing both growing my tolerance and extending my outreach, I am growing in my capactity to love. I have seen subtle changes to the choices I make, affecting others around me, how I sublimate them into my life and let them experience the testimony that is only mine to share. So once again, partially fulfilled.

What does this new year leave me with? 2009 is a terribly unsentimental year for me - I don't like odd numbers, and there's nothing special planned this year, and it feels like it is goign to be a lonely year - for once I know the feeling of having a desolate outlook or a barren plan, for want of better words. If 2008 was my year of distance (Vitamin back to msia, Veggie growing more distant, Z + Annie + Physios separated, kette + tooky working, honours sapping my time and energy) then 2009 carries that cumulative effect PLUS the burden of not having a job, B leaving for J3, the super hard slog of clinical placement with only a small network of new physio peers and getting a new car, let alone a house. This year will not be so much fantastic as it is shaping up to be fatalistic, I feel.

One SMS that brought joy to my heart last year (2008) was a very innocuous comment for Vitamin "You random piece of God's creation". Of all the memories in 2008, this friendly jibe of an SMS, rendered in all it's monochrome glory, stuck in my heart. Random as I am, there is a logic to EVERY single thing I do - the principles that govern and direct my life are the same across each and every situation. It has been an adherence to these principles, it has been this integrity that, last year, saved me from blowing my top at some very ignorant people, that saved me from sexual sin, that rescued me from the rotwood of pride, and brought me time and time again (often in a rather disshevelled state) back to the the heart of God. Yes, amidst this randomness, there is a logic. And the beuatiful (if not unintentional) paradox that Vitamin created with that SMS is, is there anything that is random in God's creation?

So this is but a brief look at 2008. I'm experimenting with the new medium of high-definition video and video editing - after all, pictures were soooo last year (plus i look so much hotter in dynamic pose hahah) so the bloggie is only going to get a selection. Gotta modernise, you know! Hahaha.

This is a reminder to me... to always be ME.

Godspeed,
teDDe~