VirtuaLife

Every day is a new day.

And today, I am completely pissed off.

‘Completely’, because the offence is consistent. Yes, I know I’m lazy, mum. And thanks for telling me again Dot, I know I’m pretty slovenly. Yes mum, I forget to clean the dishes sometimes. Yes Dot, I don’t jump at the opportunity to answer you when you yell at me in the morning before I’ve woken up. Yes mum, I have messy friends who sometimes don’t clean up after themselves. Oh I’m sorry Dot, I forgot to ask you if you needed me before I decided to take a little holiday after my exams. You’re totally right mum, I’m really disrespectful and only ever think of myself. Sorry Dot, I'm a horrible driver and I give you headaches.

Probably for the first time in my life, I don’t really wonder anymore at why people commit suicide, or even murder. It’d be pretty easy right now, for me. I’ve discovered this ‘meaninglessness’ that I’ve always heard about and even studied, but never truly experienced. It’s that feeling like no matter what you do, how hard you fight, how fast you run, or how determined you are you still manage to achieve... nothing. Just nothing. And who cares? Nobody. And what difference does it all make? None.

I’m sick of trying to live my dreams. I’m sick of striving to become better as a person. I’m sick of trying to maintain integrity. I’m sick of seeing things differently to the people who should be closest to me, me family and church. I feel like yelling at God – correction, I’ve already yelled at him today – hey, You know what?!? Although Jesus was persecuted, at least his family stood by him!

I wish I wasn’t so curious. I wish I’d never asked God to give me a passion for relationships, to understand how they work. I wish I’d never excelled in school, so that expectations weren’t set so high. I wish I felt really insecure, because then maybe I could see some reason in the things that others choose to accuse me of. I wish I could be a blind, loyal follower, since they seem to get all the perks in Heaven without the headache. I wish... I didn’t have a family.

One thing is right, however. I still remember the words spoken over my life, the words of prophecy. “You have the heart of David!” It was probably the least remarkable part of my prophecy then, but I remember it now. And I remember that young David, gallant and fearless in all things before God, could look at the King who was trying to kill him and still feel love in his heart.

The heart of David. Somewhere along the line, I’ve lost it. And now, I need it more than ever. God, please have mercy on me. Give me a new day.