If the essence of life could be captured in a good drive, what would my last three years have been like? I’d like to think it was in a Lotus Exige. Exige? Isn’t that the alien-looking car that looks more at home on Martian soil than the roads around university? (Answer: Yes and Yes). Compared to its more popular cousin, the Lotus Elise, the Exige is a profoundly physical machine – it is a race car through and through. It is light, aggressive, is arguably beautiful and pretty exclusive. Primarily known for its agility; this car can hurtle through corners that would send most other cars – sports cars, even – belly up. What it loses in outright speed, it makes up for in sheer driveability and tractability.
Is any car more deserving than the Subaru Impreza of 'bug-eyes? Perhaps...
So why the Exige? If you recall, I exited my last phase feeling rather disenchanted with the investments I had made in my own life. I had met most of my objectives (snaps for me?) but failed in the overall narrative of living a meaningful life. In seeking peer acceptance, I sacrificed my integrity and life philosophy. If you asked me back in the day, I would have told you that I was undergoing ‘renovations’. Today, I reminisce that my renovations were probably like a monster truck madness event – hilarious and exciting, but completely pointless and excessively wasteful on so many other levels.
In coming back to my roots, I realised that while my ‘house’ had been all but wiped out of existence the foundations were still there. Thank God for that! However, I wasn’t satisfied with my foundations anymore. If they weren’t able to stop me from backsliding all the way back in 2001 (well, it began then, I think), for what reason could I have remained content with them? So, I bit my lip and began the arduous task of expanding my foundation… the result of which you witness in me today.
You see, I’ve lived in quite a few houses in my life (metaphorically and literally). Big ones, small ones, tall ones, short ones, cramped ones… the list goes on. In the literal world, moving from a small house to a big house is EASY… you just pack your bags , move in, and let your personality overflow. Before you know it… wollah!... in no time at all you’ve filled out the new house with memories of YOU. The same goes with moving from a shabby house to an immaculate one. It’s like a breath of fresh air. But, have you ever tried to move the other way? And feel that it cramps your style? That was what was happening to me, spiritually. I wanted to BUILD my house… the single story, 1-carport 2-bedroom 2-bathroom inner-city apartment was insufficient for my awakened ambition. I wanted more. I wanted 6 bedrooms. I wanted two stories. A swimming pool. Indoor gymnasium. An expansive granite tabletop kitchen. And a mini-auditorium to mix my own beats in. I wanted a house that would be !happening! every single night. The problem was, I‘d run out of foundation to achieve this vision.
God promised Abraham descendents as numerable as the stars in the sky. I have my vision too, and promises made to me. And I wouldn't trade them for ANYTHING
Without going into the nitty gritty, I built upon my foundation and got it to the size I desired. In emphasising the Exige’s supreme manoeuvrability, there were many tasks, both small and big that I had to juggle, but praise God I was able to cope. And I began to notice improvements almost immediately. Work was suddenly enjoyable… after 3 years of treating it as my cash cow and being disenchanted with bad workplace practices, it finally began to have meaning again. I began meeting new and exciting people who liked me not because I was a controversy, but because I had character (small but important difference there!). My relationships with existing friends reached new levels of intimacy and understanding. People’s lives began to open up to me…. Even as I remembered what it meant to be able to open up to other people.
physio physio physio! remember me in first year? and the change in second year? hahaha
The numerous transformations are too many to list. Instead I want to thank those people who have stood the test of time with me, those people who have seen me both at my best and also at my worst, because true friendship is measured by how we battle it out in the hard times. I want to thank the people who were brave (or stupid) enough to get into my cramped little cabin with me while I worked the clutch and throttle around the racetrack of my life. For the times these people had to put up with my bad hair days, bad mood days, or just plain bad days. When I used to come to university or work with a face so black that I spoke thunder and crucified people just by staring at them. But, also remembering the good times; like when we laughed so much I choked from asphyxiation, or over our little cino-chats, bowls of unfinished noodles, or were in the movies busy having numerous accidents with popcorn. For the times when everything was going so to-plan a I didn’t just feel like I had my finger on the pulse; I WAS the pulse. Every single moment… was a manifestation of this new foundation. Every single moment… that would not have been possible had I not made the hard choices when they needed to be made? And that’s a scary thought to contemplate – the curse of inactivity.
kette and tookyface - so near yet so far
Now for the not-so-positives. Having the agility of a blowfly and the velocity of an interstellar comet isn’t good when, well, I’m just a 21yo (not for long!) guy stuck here on Earth. It gets stressful running around at breakneck speed trying to achieve my vision only to realise I’m moving so fast that this world sometimes seems like a parody of life,... in still motion. The Exige is like that, too; engine noise on the inside is loud and uncensored, and would probably give deafness if you don’t wear earmuffs during extended usage. The steering wheel, while incredibly responsive, is so incredibly tactile that too much playing with it would probably give you RIP (repetitive input pathology – I made up that term myself). So yeah, the Exige was fun while it lasted, just like the last three years have been an absolute, kaleidoscopic blast of personalities, events and circumstances. But now I’m getting a headache and seeking a different refuge. A different drive.
Looks purty, but it does damage-over-time (DoT)
What’s in store for the future of me? Find out in the next post! (Tomorrow – I promise... the future always captures my special days, hehehe)
In Faith, Hope and Love!
teDDe~
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