So, if my life could be embodied by a car, my formative years would have been spent as a Ford Pinto. What next?
By the time Year 12 had rolled around, I’d upgraded myself into a Porsche 924. That’s right, the one with the van engine. Because, as you’ll soon see, I was more show than go. I was reliable and had pedigree of sorts (academically and sporting-wise), but I wasn’t the sort of person that things’ happened’ around.
Didn't go as fast as it looked. It had more in common with 'Joe Blow' than you'd think?
In a human context, I was a generally athletic 17 year old who became a general enigma in my school, and even to my friends! I was smart but unhealthily elitist. I was asked to lead groups (soccer and study sessions) but the only reason I led them was because I had a point to prove rather than actually being a proper leader. All the younger Asians in school knew me (how? I never talked to them…) and wanted to get to know me, but because I was racist, that proved a bit… difficult. I was both a slob (used to wear my pants around my knees until a funny epiphany mid-Year 12) and a scholar… and having one foot in each camp meant that I was accepted by both, but when I wanted to race with either, I felt my life tearing apart. There was no cohesion in my life. While I became much more interesting because of my pursuits I compromised on how accessible my person was. And I had a venomous tongue, being hardly ever short of words to inflict upon people. And my humour was as dry as dust.
You know, I actually liked this period of my life. Sure, I could have done better – much better – in many areas, but for what I was worth back then, I think I hit the marks I needed to. I was supremely focused in subjects like English, Ancient History, and Religion, which have been the foundation of a lot of things I do today. I lament my rubbishing of subjects lie Drama, Metalworking and Graphics Design, which may have steered me more towards the business side of things. However, what did, I did well at, with a minimum of fuss and a good deal of motivation.
While the other boys toyed around with their sexuality and social life, I chose to remain stagnant. I never touched a girl inappropriately or compromised my own integrity, although I came horribly, horribly close during schoolies (luckily an altercation with a tree saved me, huh?). I sat back, observed, and thought about things. I thought about things very hard. I had many crushes (lasting 1 week or less), two romantic interests that I never pursued, and a lot of mocking from my friends to tell for it. Such is life. I’ve always tried to be aware of and resist peer pressure. As a result, when it came to the ‘happening’ parties, I was always the odd person out. I tried to make it seem like I was the one having the party while everyone else was clueless, but the difference between now (read: today) and back then was that I lacked the conviction to pull it off. A pity that, really. I wonder what lives I could have changed if I really believed what I said.
While every girl dreams of Prince Charming, every guy dreams about winning. Conquering things. If life was a fight, most guys would be in pubs brawls every day. Despite my inclination towards inactivity, I felt no different. I was looking for something to accelerate me. Something that could bring me to a new level of functioning. And that’s what I found in the Porsche. Slightly too flashy for what it offered but ultimately a decent drive that would stand the test of time. And that’s what I did (I think).
My formal pictures were highly illustrative of what I'd become. Physically there was a huge transformation, which was not just the result of puberty but also indicative of a transformation in lifestyle. However, if you looked close enough you could see some cracks. I was smiling but not happy. I wanted to show off but didn't know what to show off. I'd achieved quite a bit yet was relativley clueless of how I'd gotten there. My formal partner was so many classes above me (socially, physically and emotionally) that I wonder why she said yes in the first place. And asking her out was an accident because the many guys who wanted to ask her were too shy (we'd just met her at a party some weeks before) and dared me to ask her out. If there was one phrase my life must have embodied at this point in time, it was 'fake it till you make it'. Yughhh.
Still, desensitisation is a human thing, and soon I wanted more. More power. More acceleration. More more more!! What would come next? Find out in the next post!
In Faith, Hope and Love!
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