VirtuaLife

I was about to hit the sack last night when I received a pleasant interruption from a dear and distant friend. Summarily, what was going to be an early (if 1am can be counted as early) turned into a 5 hour conversation ending at 6am instead. Waaaaaah

She’s one of the few friends towards whom I’m completely comfortable being ALL aspects of me. She’s seen me at my worst (just woken up with wax-encrusted eyes, tousled hair and the talking capacity of a stone), my best, and just about every other permutation in between. With her, I’m happy to be silly (that’s how we met), serious (that’s why we still talk), a scratching pole (metaphorically) and punching bag if needed. And that’s one of the few reasons why I was happy to shrug off the burden of sleep in exchange for yet another stimulating conversation.

She likes her weekends, which was why she stayed up last night. For her, working affords few opportunities to really kick back and enjoy some precious time to reflect on the insane progression of life. It was amusing to watch her sway back and forth on the webcam looking for the world like she was already tucked cosily into an invisible bed (I felt like tucking her in even then… hahaha paternal instinct :P). And in the midst of this arguably amusing reverie, she sprang a surprising admission upon me. An admission that has its roots all the way back to December 2005, when we first met.

I’m scared of life. I don’t want to grow up. I’ve never had a boyfriend and I don’t think I ever will. My standards are too high. I’ve been hurt and I don’t know if I’m in denial. It all came tumbling out as a gradual explosion and I was, for once, caught with my pants down (metaphorically, please). I offered her a shoulder to lean on as she elaborated, very consciously aware that it was a rather grubby shoulder (I had nothing better to offer at that time of night). But even as I listened, I began to understand something new. I began to understand… fear.

Now it might seem a bit strange that I say that. After all, we are all exposed to fear on a daily basis. But I’m not talking about that sort of clichéd, superficial fear, the kind that makes actors wet their pants in the movies or creates nightmares for little children. I’m talking about a fear the infects each and every one of us insidiously, poisoning our thoughts and limiting our desires. It is a fear, primal if I may say, that wraps itself around the very core of our lives, attacking us as individuals for what we are and what we stand for. It’s the fear of being worthless. It’s the fear of being meaningless.

I won’t go further into that conversation because it is understandably quite an intimate one. But it really showed me something. Human life stripped of its protections is so fragile. And if most of us don’t even understand the life that we live, then what hope in this world do we have of purging our lives of this fear?

She’s beautiful. She’s smart. She could fire off a thousand more retorts back at me than I could to her if only she talked faster (hehehe, to my benefit =)). She has a good head on those shoulders, a wonderful job, a loving family, and a heart that roars (or mews very loudly at least). And she still suffers from the very feminine feeling of… inadequacy.

Where are you at in your life? What fears grip your heart and make waking up every day to embrace the morning a chore rather than a privilege? Do you wake up lonely? Confused? Helpless? In Ecclesiastes 1:2, King Solomon, reputedly the wisest man in the world declared, ‘Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless. ' Despite this dire proclamation he went on to offer hope; he offered an opportunity to transcend the meaningless life. Are you interested in that?

I bet YOU are.

In Faith, Hope and Love!