VirtuaLife

On Christmas Eve, I will retire again.

Retire from the Library, that is. Three months on, one temporary promotion later and after numerous air-conditioning break-downs, I'm at the end of this road.

I've achieved everything I set out to do. I performed ergonomics self-assessments, analysed workplace settings in the context of OH&S best-practice principles, acquired some new skills, made different friends, and increased my tolerance of an interesting diversity of work colleagues. In the face of these achievements, there is nothing left for me to do. And money is an increasingly poor motivator to work passionately.

In return, I have to set out to do the things I aspired to. I committed my whole unidus pledge to God dependent on acquiring this job. I commited to reinventing my attitude of excellence, which admittedly waned from excellent to merely-bumbling somewhere in 2004. I committed to raising my standards of discipline and integrity to a whole new level. In return for this job, I pledged to commit to God and recommit to life.

This opportunity - this door, as some may be inclined to call it - was indeed an opportunity in itself. But I see it as so much more, if not just for the fact that it is not a job I found particularly memorable. No, this period was about learning to let go. Learning to release already existant opportunities in order to accept the better ones coming by.

In three days, library work will be over. The next time I walk through thoe doors, I will be a customer and not a service assistant, not ever again. But the opportunities created by this chapter live on.

In Faith, Hope and Love!

One-way trip to Philippines is BOOKED. And with a four-hour stopover in Singapore to boot.


So... who can I terrorize with my presence? ^^

Ever since those halcyon days of worship ministry in COC, or the mind-numbing nadirs of AIESEC life, I have never felt such an urgency.

An urgency for God, that is.

Today after work I decided to administer a little spiritual tonic to myself. with several hours to burn I decided to finish off a self-directed study on the Christology of Christ, in response to a certain Adam Pastor who commented on this blog a while back. So I went to search the online catalogue for books that both supported and rejected the beliefs of Trinitarian Christianity.

As I was searching, one of the workmates came over - let's call him Q. Q has a hearing difficulty which makes communication hairy at the best of times. In the past 3 month I have been working thus far, we have only acknowledged each other in the shyest of fashions - a barely visible flicker of the eyes followed by a wave.

But today, as Q walked past me something caught his eye. He came back for a second look. Thinking he needed the computer to print out timesheets, I gestured for him to take my place. He waved me off, but a big grin almost split his gentle face in two. He waggled his eyebrows at me and continues staring at the screen. I turned to see what he might have been looking at.

At the centre of the screen was the title 'Understanding Jesus'.

It took a while of reflection, but God finally spoke to me; in the same way that wind gently rustles the bullrushes, God posed a whispered challenge; "Seek and they shall find - even the deaf shall hear my message. I am as relevant today as I ever was. Are you ready to sow and reap?"

Every single time after that Q ran into me (on a different computer this time because I was typing up my document surroundided by piles of books) he would give a big smile and a hearty wave. So... uncharacteristic. And unexpected. All because... he saw something on my computer screen. Or did he see someone?

God moves in mysterious ways. And we need to be prepared to move with Him. And let me tell you, there is nothing sweeter than being able to testify how God, in His infinite wisdom, is initiating heartchange in the lives of precious ones around me. I have two weeks left in the library. What a romance it would be to leave God as my legacy in this place!

In Faith, Hope and Love!

6am. The mobile alarm rings. I sit up to turn it off, or at least try to. Instead, I swipe the mobile off the windowsill and it crashes to the floor, losing its battery.

Off to a good start! /sarcasm

After forgetting my (formal) shoes, leaving my wallet in the car (at work), forgetting my formal shirt (after work), going to the wrong graduation venue, and leaving the wallet in the car again... not to mention almost missing the city ferry stop because I fell asleep on the Citycat. I wonder if anything is going to go my way today. It seems like a morning of prayerful joy is not going to influence the rest of the day.

I meet up with Karl from NZ in the city, who is en route to Sydney to tag Sue Lynn whereupon both will be off to Tokyo (lucky bums...) and had a pretty involving chat - so much to catch up on! Nice bloke, that one. Then there is the half an hour just trying to choose the right vitamins (where's Vitamin when I want her? *grumble grumble*) almost two hours spent on err flowers and other decorative apparel and an extended browse in a section involving lots of... balls. I realise that I don't like shopping, really. I'd rather be stuck at work. But... its who and what I"m shopping for that makes the experience enjoyable. As such, time passes quickly.

Time passed, and I caught the bus back to the girlies' house. Failed an attempted surprise attack on a river-gazing tortoise. Spent 1+ hour waging war on MSN until in my fickleness I decided to tag along with the B-bunch up to Cootha - after all it was peak hour traffic and there was no way I was driving home at that time. So up we go, with a nauseating smell of chlorine-infused deep sea chicken... or was it sea-fried chicken? Hard to tell - nose was playing up. Gah. I could also smell jade blossoms from a previous permitted encounter with turtles.

Almost get kicked from our table by a waiter who I think decided to be nice to us coz we were asian and the girls were all smileyfaced - hows that for favourable discrimination? The chikas were in constant hysterics over small cockroaches, shadows and squeaky noises. On my behalf, I seemed to be in the business of digging quite a few holes... was just too slow for the sheer amount of wit on display. B was in beyond-top form, caught me totally off guard as I anticipated a more... sedate version... after a long day at the waterzoo. Even the ex-homies were uncharacteristically bubbly, or so I thought. 'God!' I screamed to myself silently, 'Slow them down! Cannot keep up!'

After many suppressed laughs (we did not want to destroy the romance of the place) we finally tailed it down to some place in the southside for soy milk bubbles... is that what it was? Some kind of solid soy milk dessert... and I got laughed at again coz I ordered froot with mine, which I totally DON'T understand especially when the bowl next to me looked like some kind of primordial goo with the viscosity to match. Hmpfff!

Add to that a great game of corners in the car (I won), a humorously disjointed wordgame (which nobody won but I will nominate that Lena lost ^^) a completely and unashamedly malfunctioning neuron, unintended references to getting nekkid, frequent miscommunications, topic discussions on nightingales, sheep and perverts, and just a bunch of utterly different and completely crazy peeps who were willing to laugh at anything, including themselves...

... And God really does change a day around.

And now I'm spent. Cheeks are aching from grinning like an idiot, tummy hurting from a combination of oil, original chicken and vegetable stuff, and brain hurting from being convincingly stomped on by at least two pairs of razor-tipped heels. And yes, it will be another night I get to marvel at His amazing blessings by the people and circumstances He chooses to grace my life with.

Love YOU peeps. God is showing me much more, but that shall wait till later :)

In Faith, Hope and love!

Realized I spelt anointing wrong in the previous post, kindly pointed out by a friend.

Its amazing how after so many years - decades even? - of writing about my Christian walk, I've never 'noticed' the spelling for anointing. SO, instead of editing the previous post, i'm going to leave it there as a reminder that, no matter how mature we think we are, there are always areas in which we can improve.

In Faith, Hope and Love!

Just a few thoughts on today's sermon:

Today was about God's annoiting - what it means, how it was administered, who and what it was administered to, and its importance in our spiritual lives as Christians.

All in all I really enjoyed the message - having finished exams, I am once again finding that sweet spot in 'listening to God', that is, the point where I can critically analyse what is being taught in the context of my Christian walk without going off on numerous unproductive tangents as I am so prone to do.

However, I do beg a point of disagreement. This is not something I have discussed with any other, but one of which I harbor a growing conviction about. See, it was alluded to in the message that without God's annoiting, we and all our plans, and devices would surely fail. The context of failure given was that of a material pursuit, namely the establishment and running of a business.

The reason why I beg to differ is that there are many business run by non-Christians that are massively successful. And I am also sure that there are many businesses run by Christians without God's explicit annoiting that are successful. Therefore, no annoiting does not equal failure.

Rather, I believe that just like faith in God is central to salvation, so too is annoiting absolutely and irrefutably central to accomplishing meaningful works in God. Because when God annoits you, he enables you to do something beyond your own power, for His glory. And then it comes back to the question that most Christians should ask themselves... what did God create me for AND what do I live for?

This world... well, it CAN function without God. Yet, like the author in Ezekiel despairingly writes, if that were to happen then, 'meaningless, meaningless; everything is meaningless!'

Brothers and sisters, pray for annoiting not because its a 'spiffy' thing to have. Pray for it because it endows your actions with meaning, and God-given purpose.

In Faith, Hope and Love!~

Sometimes I wish I could... happen to myself.

Imagine Theodore meeting Theodore. I don't think it would be a pretty confrontation! I mean, put into a tiny room two stubborn egos that think they know alot more than they deserve to with enough general knowledge to hold up a convincing facade, two minds that are cynical to the core and engage in multi-front psychological warfare over a casual dinner date and what will you get? Probably... a mess that's very hard to clean up?

I look back at the post that made me stop blogging. I remember the incident... vaguely. It struck my mind more than once how FULL of myself I must have been at that very moment to have proferred such a violent and in many ways undeserved rebuke of the people involved. I feel embarrassed, a touch frustrated and overwhelmingly silly that, despite my whole 'relationships' drive, that I can still flare up in the heat of the moment. Yes God, I still don't deserve my girlfriend :[.

But I'd be foolish to let this be my stumbling block. life is full of many errors that decorates our journey like trash on the footpath. But we do not stop walking, do we? It is only an obstacle should we choose to make it. To draw the metaphor further, if indeed we were concerned citizens, we would probably pick up the rubbish and place it where it belongs.

God called me about two weeks ago to, in my words, stop feeling sorry for myself and start serving Him again. Who knows that when God calls its hard to ignore? I thought about it at worked, masticated it during dinner, and even slept on it throughout the night. Peace only came (in the sense that I felt I was flowing with my thoughts rather than against it) when I actually did something about it.

That God is willing to use me despite my many sins, I feel honoured. Something I do less well is to feel humbled, but that, like the rest of my life, is something I am excitedly anticipating change in.

In Faith, Hope and Love

Something's been tickling me over the last few days.

It's a well established observation (if not fact) that when Christians need God, their spiritual walk seems to swell in proportion to the urgency of their need. Look at (Christian) teenagers when they want to rebel, young adults when they suffer the indignities of exams and no money, and the older ones through their many crises and life decisions. And when everything gets cruisy again, God goes out of the window and the ego takes centrestage once more.

So I find it exceedingly strange that, for myself, I have found the holidays so far to be one of rejuvenation and refreshment. Instead of bargaining with God, I have instead made myself supplicant to His will. Instead of blotting him out of my schedule with more 'exciting' things, I have been overjoyed (no exaggeration) to create time in my schedule to ponder His word in greater depth.

I am left with two conclusions. Either: 1) Exams no longer constitute a crisis to me, or; 2) God is readying me for something big!

Of course, if you were unlucky enough to see me during exams, you would know that the former is a rather untenable conclusion. So, the latter it is!

I'm feeling something I haven't felt for a loooong time. It's a barely perceptible excitement but with steadily gaining momentum, like the calm before the storm with the backpressure building up. God has something new! And for once, I don't care what it is; I just want to experience Him so intimately again, as a friend but also as my Saviour. I want to feel that annoiting (I believe He has already showed me a part of it!) more strongly than I ever have! And to do that, God issued me a challenge tonight.

"Purify your heart, read my words, and Seek."

Yes God. I shall.

I give up.

I don't understand it. Never will. Never shall. Can't be bothered to try anymore. Can't be f***ed listening to anyone and their pitiful rationales anymore. Since 'everybody' always has their own ideas and is content to remain that way, I shall encourage them to continue to do so.

Let mediocrity inbreed with itself.

God help me for giving up, for being too big for my boots. God help them, for what they are.

teDDe

One thing I don't like about Asian culture is the common boast about how HARD Asians work.

The problem with this is that working 'hard' does nothing to address the issue of efficiency. It has everything to do with the issue of intensity. At lower levels for tasks requiring little thought, working hard meets no barriers. Once the nature of work starts becoming more complex, however, the problems start.

The alternative to working harder is to work smarter. What does it mean to work smarter? Working smarter means to look at the resources (both potential and realised) you have at your disposal; identify, create and consolidate synergies between these resources, and; monitor outputs to establish the relationship of cause-and-effect so that the results can be replicated elsewhere.

Of course, working smart without working hard runs into the same problem. If working smarter amplifies your results, you still need some tangible results to amplify in the first place!

Ironically, the opposite problem seems to affect Aussie folk. They're damn smart workers (motivated to beat/cheat the system?) but lazier than furniture. Just for the record. So you don't think I'm picking on Asians. Also note that these are generalisations; I'm not about to rain on specific people.

Apparently, 80% of physiotherapists suffer thumb pain. Blame that on all the poking and prodding we do, eh? Okay, so we work hard (arguably?). But why don't we start learning to work smart as well? Improve our ergonomics? Adapt treatment techniques? Promote self-management to give ourselves a rest (the answer to this last one is because most patients are so lazy and come in expecting a magic bullet for conditions that they've perpetuated through their inaction for months and years... bah. And no I'm not regurgitating that; I've treated such people first-hand). I find it difficult to understand how many physios are supposedly smart people but lose that reputation once they start work. Nobody ever told me that commencing a career had a dumbing-down effect :(

Let's broaden our horizons just a bit. Spiritually you've learnt to work hard. But have you learnt to work smart?

In Faith, Hope and Love!

I was about to hit the sack last night when I received a pleasant interruption from a dear and distant friend. Summarily, what was going to be an early (if 1am can be counted as early) turned into a 5 hour conversation ending at 6am instead. Waaaaaah

She’s one of the few friends towards whom I’m completely comfortable being ALL aspects of me. She’s seen me at my worst (just woken up with wax-encrusted eyes, tousled hair and the talking capacity of a stone), my best, and just about every other permutation in between. With her, I’m happy to be silly (that’s how we met), serious (that’s why we still talk), a scratching pole (metaphorically) and punching bag if needed. And that’s one of the few reasons why I was happy to shrug off the burden of sleep in exchange for yet another stimulating conversation.

She likes her weekends, which was why she stayed up last night. For her, working affords few opportunities to really kick back and enjoy some precious time to reflect on the insane progression of life. It was amusing to watch her sway back and forth on the webcam looking for the world like she was already tucked cosily into an invisible bed (I felt like tucking her in even then… hahaha paternal instinct :P). And in the midst of this arguably amusing reverie, she sprang a surprising admission upon me. An admission that has its roots all the way back to December 2005, when we first met.

I’m scared of life. I don’t want to grow up. I’ve never had a boyfriend and I don’t think I ever will. My standards are too high. I’ve been hurt and I don’t know if I’m in denial. It all came tumbling out as a gradual explosion and I was, for once, caught with my pants down (metaphorically, please). I offered her a shoulder to lean on as she elaborated, very consciously aware that it was a rather grubby shoulder (I had nothing better to offer at that time of night). But even as I listened, I began to understand something new. I began to understand… fear.

Now it might seem a bit strange that I say that. After all, we are all exposed to fear on a daily basis. But I’m not talking about that sort of clichéd, superficial fear, the kind that makes actors wet their pants in the movies or creates nightmares for little children. I’m talking about a fear the infects each and every one of us insidiously, poisoning our thoughts and limiting our desires. It is a fear, primal if I may say, that wraps itself around the very core of our lives, attacking us as individuals for what we are and what we stand for. It’s the fear of being worthless. It’s the fear of being meaningless.

I won’t go further into that conversation because it is understandably quite an intimate one. But it really showed me something. Human life stripped of its protections is so fragile. And if most of us don’t even understand the life that we live, then what hope in this world do we have of purging our lives of this fear?

She’s beautiful. She’s smart. She could fire off a thousand more retorts back at me than I could to her if only she talked faster (hehehe, to my benefit =)). She has a good head on those shoulders, a wonderful job, a loving family, and a heart that roars (or mews very loudly at least). And she still suffers from the very feminine feeling of… inadequacy.

Where are you at in your life? What fears grip your heart and make waking up every day to embrace the morning a chore rather than a privilege? Do you wake up lonely? Confused? Helpless? In Ecclesiastes 1:2, King Solomon, reputedly the wisest man in the world declared, ‘Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless. ' Despite this dire proclamation he went on to offer hope; he offered an opportunity to transcend the meaningless life. Are you interested in that?

I bet YOU are.

In Faith, Hope and Love!

Just a general update of the holiday happenings thus far.

LAUREN’S 21ST

Went to Lauren’s 21st which was held at Mystique Nightclub in the Valley. The theme was Emergency 911 – so ‘we’ came dressed as anything from doctors and nurses to fighter pilots and (my favourite) Italian policewomen… you know, the kind that fights the law with the pointy end of their 6-inch stilettos. Hah!

I was kind of scared to get of out of the car in my scrubs, the first time that I was rather conscious of how I looked. Not so much that I was ashamed of myself (which I wasn’t, thank YOU) but rather the fact that receiving attention in the Valley is... well, for me, it’s a bad thing. So I bunkered down for 10-15 minutes waiting for the Sunnybank crew to rock up and provide social support for me as we sauntered thorough the public places.

Only to discover that they’d dressed comparatively normally (except nurse Zoe). So much for support. Bah!

Here are some of the pictures taken. For the record, the scrubs were sourced from my American uncle who is a fellow of orthopaedic surgery. He gave it to me for pyjamas while I was in Philippines.

Reflecting on the night, I feel quite sorry for Lauren. If I’m not mistaken, out of the 100+ invites that were RSVPed, only 30 showed on the night. That’s pretty pathetic, you know? I mean, why in the world would you say yes and then have the gross indecency to NOT rock up? The poor gal. And it was her 21st, too. Sometimes the amount of selfishness that people show shits me to tears. This was one of those times.

But speaking for myself, I had a decent night. Met a few new faces, got some contacts, exercised (read: danced) a little bit and managed to fall asleep upon heading home without that incessant ringing in my ears. Snaps for the birthday girl and her boyfriend who were amazingly dressed. And the moment when her stockings got caught on his pants… class act =).

TAMBORINE RETREAT

Man, I’ve been hitting myself over the head with this one. I kept on delaying my preparation for it because of other commitments and in the end got caught out with my own utter stupidity. I was late for departure because I’d misread the email and so at the time that I was supposed to be meeting everybody and going for dinner, I was actually just clambering out of bed and wondering how to START packing. Oops.

Among the list of things I dearly missed during the camp were: a full-sized sleeping bag; dental floss; a shaver; socks and shoes; flashlight; a notepad; my birthday scripts, and; a smile. Boooooo.

Still, God is ever gracious and despite the 1 hour I spent on public transport cursing myself as I dragged my gear to Sunnybank, His plans were already unfolding for me. I left home in an absolutely foul mood due to domestic circumstances but God spent the hour quietening me down and focussing my attention back on MY purpose for the trip – inner rejuvenation. Like the landmark forum, where my motto was to ‘Be Fresh with Life’, I was looking to shelve my pride and retake some lessons in eating humble pie by learning from the recollections of others. Jazzy posed it as a question to us in the car before we arrived and I’m glad that she did – it reminded me that despite the thunderstorm in my head, I was heading for an appointment with a God to whom the seas and skies submit.

I don’t really know how to summarise how Tamborine 08 was for me, really. I enjoyed being able to speak into some of my brothers’ lives more, since they seemed to be more open than they normally are in lifegroup. I enjoyed being able to sit back and see different passions unfold and interact as people got into the business of other people. I enjoyed being able to close my eyes and FEEL the hum and vibe of life whirling around me (do you ever do that? If you don’t you’re missing out). I enjoyed the two 5am sunrises, obscured by rain and clouds as they were. I was thankful for all the people who stepped into responsibility to make the camp happen – their servanthood was not only apparent in the planning, but also throughout the entire camp.

But it’s not like me to simply enjoy and be thankful, is it? Hahaha. I was quite critical of some of the things that were said/preached. People mixing emotions and feelings with relationships, again. I found disagreement over many small areas that I have either heard before or thought could be explained in a clearer way. For every person that may have risen up to the challenge of Tamborine, I saw another who I discerned could go further, yet seemed not to want to. Looking inwards, I blasted through my own barriers of spiritual submission, yet struggled with a previously conquered area of small giving. I saw that the embers in my heart had once again grown into a raging fire, but I struggled to understand how I could control it. Should I even have bothered – was I limiting the work of God in His fullness? That’s right…. it’s not like me to simply enjoy and be thankful. There’s a valuable lesson… always a valuable lesson to be learnt.

I also discovered a concept in Tamborine that for now I wish to call the Complement personality as opposed to Split personality. I will elaborate this in another post.

For now, those are the big updates.

Abby's BD celebration is tomorrow (today, actually?) and I need to go shopping with Sarah, hopefully on Friday. My new job starts this week to, so I'll take it easy and see how things go. This whole fasting fortnight thing is playing rollercoaster with my energy levels.

In Faith, Hope and Love!

Previously, I distinguished between perception and reality. Perception is a personal experience whereby a 'form' of reality is created based on what inputs we have at our disposal. Reality is an impersonal rendition of the absolute truth as exists at that point in time. I've introduced a contrast between personal and impersonal becasue I wish to state that perceiving THE reality as opposed to A reality is impossible for any human. It's simply not in our capacity to do so and even if it were, bias would influence our inputs.

I'm bringing this up again in relation to the existence of an absolute truth. Obviously I believe that truth lies in the life of a certain character called Jesus, and the book adopted by his followers, The Bible. Other people believe in different truths. That we are descendents of apes. We were created by lightning striking some structurally condicive surface clay in a promordial earth. That we were deposited here by aliens who once lived on Mars.

I'm not making fun of these people. No, far from it - don't get me wrong. Many of these people are intelligent, progressive, forthcoming individuals, and some of them even have more integrity than the sort of character I see at an average church! By virtue of the fact that I continue to talk to these people, you can infer that they have some sort of 'value' to me.

So why do we see everything differently? Why, if we are all intelligent (hypothetically) and curious individuals, do we end up with different opinions on the Big Questions? Like, what is the meaning of life? Or, is there a God? Or, what is the origin morality and ethics? Its seems that the questions that would most affect our lives, we have agreed to disagree on.

Firstly, I would like to say that (1) absolute truth exists, and (2) absolute truth is not relative. The implications if this were not true are as such: if absolute truth does not exist, there would be no such thing as fact. Also, no yardstick would exist on measuring how 'true' or 'false' our beliefs are, since there is no definable endpoint for truth. The second statement merely highlights the mutual exclusitivity between absolutism and relativitism. It follows, despite the existence of numerous popular quotes claiming otherwise, that perception is NOT reality.

If an absolute truth exists, then this is the logical origin from which all theorising should spring forth. In this instance, truth acts as an anchorpoint to ensure that theorising is still grounded in the reality of the truth it is trying to discover. Let me give you a silly example. An elephant is found by itself on a desert island. How did it get there? Some might say it flew there. Others might say it swam. Others yet might say it was offloaded from a beleagured ship passing by. Others say...

Many theories. Some sound more absurd than others. But what makes it sound absurd? Truth, as we understand it individually, makes anything that does not fit the criteria, absurd. For example, the person who thought the elephant flew there arrived at that conclusion because he nows certain animals such as birds can fly. and the elephant is also an animal. He also knows it is physically impossible for an elephant so swim through an ocean, so the possibility of it arriving by sea is impossible. We can see that his assumptions are partly true but also partly false. But he can still reach a conclusion that suits his understanding of truth!

In the same way, when it comes to these big questions, it really depends on our grasp of truth. It also depends on our psychological needs, because just as many people are accused of having a psychological need to believe in a God, so to do many others have psychological needs to NOT affirm the existence of any God. You see, regardless of how these Big Questions are answered, they ultimately affect one thing. Our lives. My life. Your life. Our lives. And, ultimately, our lives are the most precious thing we can humanly comprehend. Every treasure that we can possibly accumulate is achieved on the premise that we are alive. Life. It's foundational.

Challenge the foundation and the building shakes. It can be a pretty traumatic experience. Yet, some people don't even know what foundation they build their houses on! Who is to blame then when the house collapses? Is ignorance truly bliss? Only if you believe that truth is relative, yes.

As far as i'm concerned, there are only two competing views that relate to the meaning of life. Everything else is a variation or derivative of these two. So lets have a bit of a look into it.

Evolution. As far as the scientific establishment is concerned life on earth evolved spontaneously billions of years ago. Popularised by Darwin in the last century and furthered by biochemistry research in the last 50 years, evidence is still scarce to support the theory of evolution. And thats precisely what it is, yet it is TAUGHT AS FACT in every biology curriculum in Australia. If faith is mutually exclusive with knowledge (if you know something, you don't need to have faith to believe it) then convictions on evolutionary science are built upon faith. And that is hardly a scientific process.

Another observation about evolutionary science, or perhaps just science in general, is what while it is very good at positing HOW things came to be, it is comparavitely bad at understanding WHY. Proponents of there being no why essentially state that there is no meaning to life, and they state this in the face of very obvious dissimilarities with the world as it is at the moment. Among scientists who believe that there is a why, there is almost universal agreement that the causative agent is based on a metaphysical assumption. Therefore one has a choice about hte metaphysical assumptions they can make, but they cannot escape making that choice.

Prescribing to an evolutionary viewpoint, for all intents and purposes, is a step of faith. And I invite any pro-evolutionists to challenge me with groundbreaking, earth-shattering and life-changing (puns intended) discoveries about abiogenesis or the like (it is technically true that abiogenesis is not evolution, but procedurally, they relate to the same continuum and use similar supporting evidence). After all, if you can prove me wrong I am obliged to accept your point of view, right?

Creation. The Bible declares that evidence for a God is found all about us in nature. That is the ongoing, daily miracle that we are subjected to. It is interesting to note that more and more scientists who seek to challenge this account of creation are actually finding reason to believe in an Intelligent Designer.

Among the Bible's strongest declarations apart from the contrasting account of creation is the authenticity of the historical Jesus Christ and his exploits. It finds its strongest detractions to natural science in the area of supernatural occurences, or the miracle-working ministry of Jesus Christ and his followers. I neglect to mention other religions here because a careful look through their holy books finds a paucity of evidence that can be validated or supported in our current circumstances. The Bible however (as I pray you will find) has a whole lot more substance than just a nice story.

To successfully challenge the Creation viewpoint, evolutionary theory must become evolutionary fact. To challenge the Christian viewpoint (which I will assume is synonymous with the Creator), one must debunk the existence of Jesus or the meaning and validity of his ministry on Earth. And once again, I accept any challenges on this.

And this is the note that I am going to leave you with to ponder about what I've written. In respect to the circumstances that caused me to write this, it doesn't matter whether you think that life once existed on Mars. It doesn't matter whether you think that having multiple sexual partners is the way we were designed to be. It doesn't matter what you think about genetic predisposition. All of that is wasted, accessory thought. Because once you question the absolute truths, you will find that your conclusions carry through to the PERSONAL TRUTHS (perceptions) that you have built your house upon.

I think this saying (made by me! copyright!) nicely summarises the topic. We (humans) can always shape a reality that embraces our needs. Be we cannot always embrace a reality that shapes our needs. Because the truth hurts.

In Faith, Hope and Love!

PS> I did mention in a previous posting comment that I would do a posting on my findings about the deity of the Trinity. This is still in the works, however, I did not anticipate the complexity of the issue. That will still happen, but not in the near future.

I recall these words from the song prelude to What If, by Christian Band DC Talk:

" The greatest single cause of athiesm today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, then walk out of the door and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world finds simply unbelievable."

That is what an unbelieving world finds simply unbelievable

One of the things that has been firmly impressed upon my heart is this notion of a 'sovereign' God. Let me say to the Christians among you that understanding the sovereignity of God is ABSOLUTELY AND UNCOMPROMISINGLY FOUNDATIONAL in understanding His character. However, the problem with many Christians is that they only want God to be in control to the extent that there is some advantage conferred to themselves. Let me phrase it another way... many Christians want God to be in control of their own lives, but not so much that they don't lose control of their lives, themselves.

Sounds familiar?

Without proper grounding in understanding the scope of sovereignity, the Word (or Bible) as it relates to God becomes essentially meaningless. Do you get what I"m saying? To ignore/disregard/miscomprehend His sovereignity is to undermine the very fabric of what makes us Christian. Or should I say, what really entitles us to be call ourselves Christian?

And for those who understand sovereignity, do you speak with CONVICTION over it? I talk to alot of people - socialising is something that has been built into my daily lifestyle. And that exposes me over and over again to people's convictions. Conviction comes in many flavours... the loud trumpet it, the quiet show determination, the bimboey show unerring focus... many, many permutations. But if there is one universal component of conviction, I believe it is intensity. You can't be intense if you don't have conviction.

Guesswork does not constitute conviction. Academic thought does not constitute conviction. Acceptance and belief are components of, but not the whole substance of conviction. So why, when I hear my Christian friends speaking, do they say 'I think this what God wants me to do' ... or 'I guess God wants me to do this,' .... or ' I believe God wants to show us his love' ... repeat. ad nauseum. I've listened to many good speakers, some great ones, and many funny ones and guess what? 'I think' is not in their vocabulary. It just doesn't cut the mustard.

When involved in a mildly spiritual discussion with some friends a week or two ago, I counted the number of topic sentences that started with 'I think'. There were nine of them. Out of ten topics. For those of you who find an 'I think' hard to visualise', there's normally quite alot of hesitation accompanying the sentence. I don't really want to ask WHY, because I"m scared of the conclusions I might reach.

Therefore I would like to make a pretty, decently desperate plea to anyone who reads this. CHANGE. Acknowledgement is the first step towards change. I know, because I've been through it before, and I am STILL going through it. But if you fail to change, or don't see the need, remember...

That is what an unbelieving world finds simply unbelievable

Find the song with its opening monologue here on youtube if you haven't heard it before. Disregard the video that goes with it - i'm not sure how it relates.

In Faith, Hope and Love!

From the not-so-tender age of 11 until now, over a decade later, I've observed many guys come to shits and giggles when the topic of men and make-up is broached. It is the subject of many dares, various homophobic discussions and general chauvanistic derision.

The simple fact of the matter though is, models wear make-up. Whether you are a girl... or a guy.

I do have a hate, and thank God it is not people. However, sometimes the attitudes I see are so superficial or inexcusably ignorant that I do feel like knocking out a few teeth, just to make people think long and hard about exactly what it means to live a life WITH other people who may not necessarily be the same as them. And the same goes for people who perpetuate such behaviour (inadvertently or not) because that is what 'love' is. No, love knows when to rebuke as well. Doesn't the mother scold her child when he does something naughty?

Anyway, I thought I'd take the less daring (I was going to say cultured, but that would just be rude of me, wouldn't it? :)) through the steps of applying some very basic make-up, for men.

(Up until STEP 5, all make-up was applied to the left side of my face only, so you can try to pick the differences)

STEP 1


Buy some foundation. It should be pretty cheap, and the most expensive thing you'll lose is your pride when the make-up assistant laughs at your sorry arse! But then, you might make some unexpected friends and admirers that way too. I know I did!

STEP 2


Take a sparing swab and spread it under your eyes where the eyebags come out. The whole point of make-up for guys is to smoothen the appearance of the face but not to take out the angles (this is where the make-up philosophy between genders diverges). Spread the foundation outwards across your cheeks so that the colour blends in to your natural skin hues. I have to try a little harder with mine because the colour is a shade darker than my skin. In this instance, use a little bit of water when putting it on to dilute the colour.

STEP 3


Once the foundation has been blended properly (proper blending should follow the contours of your face, not some arbitrary amount like, fade to 0% at 5cm from eye) You should be able to step back and notice that the effect of any existing blemishes has either been softened or negated. Good! That is the effect we're looking for.

STEP 4


Now that the base has been applied we move to powdering. Powdering plays a very important role in photoshoots (especially long ones) as it absorbs any trace sweat and stops the skin from shining. Photgraphers do NOT want shiny skin. It's horrible to work with. Powdering also assists in softening the appearance of or tonal variations in your skin.



STEP 5


When applying the powder, once again do NOT use liberal amounts. A very sparing touch of the brush following by vigorously dusting the face at ALL angles. The brush is pushed into the face; its not like painting a house, as many guys think. If you want to laugh at someone, go check out a guy that's just painted his face with powder. It looks quite amusing.



The finished product! The changes may be subtle, but that's the whole point of men's make-up - if you can notice that it's been applied, yukk. Reduce the blemishes, clean up the appearance and don't detract from any angles... and thats how a good model presents themselves to a client. Plain is good.

- - -

Anyway I thought that since I'd prettied myself up, I might as well make use of my newfound beauty. Here I'm trying to pull off some predetermined expressions without using the mirror to assist me.

PIC 1: Surprise



PIC 2: Boredom



Enjoy!

In Faith, Hope and Love!
teDDe~

I think I've had my first ever REVITALISING exam block. Wheeee!

Exams were so cruisy. Technically it wasn't exams. Try exam. That's right, I'm grounded in the singular. Compared to the trial-by-fire monotony of physiotherapy's six to eight exams per block, that's something I should be able to do in my sleep!

But that wasn't what made it revitalising.

I remember arguing to myself the merits of taking urban planning up at a time when I could have gone the other way and enjoyed myself for the better part of the year. I remember justifying my final decision on the grounds that the long-term benefits though upskilling and extending my friendships and networks was the weight that tipped the scales in planning's balance.

For the better part of this semester I missed, or stuffed up opportunities to stay in touch with the peeps. My own scheduling with Honours, biology tutoring
and ad hoc work arrangements meant I was sent all over the placewith no semblance of a routine. Was is it the 'new' experience I had been asking for? Yes. Did I like it? Uhhh... no?

Planning eventually became a bit of a (tedious) grind. I don't mean to sound elitist, but at an elementary level it's ridiculously easy. Easy enough to rock up at each lecture, take the required notes, spend an hour in the library doing extra reading and then switch off. Oh, there were some hard bits, if you consider hard as something that makes one stop and do a double take. But I do know people who struggled and I empathise with them, for I was blessed to have situations in which to apply my learning almost instantaneously. However, it wasn't particularly my idea of fun. Admittedly I had a ball (by myself) running around West End collecting info for my project and doing my sketches and just generally being a nuisance to anyone who didn't understand what I was doing, but in that respect it wasn't 'different' to anything I could have done without planning.

The last week has been much more fortituous, however. With the looming nastiness of exams I just decided to drop the diplomatics and do a phone number grab. And I'm so glad I did! The peeps I ended up studying with coming into this home stretch are a wonderful bunch of colour and personality... and you know how addicted I am to new people, right? I'd been talking to people so much about chicken soup for their soul that I forgot to reflect on why I was feeling so good myself. But God is indeed good, and He looks after each and every one of us who lives for Him.

So, exams are over, now what? Well, I'm just starting to get excited, really. New people. New lives! Even in exams I was anticipating my reward (hahaha) for diligent study... that being multiple cino chats and memories to cherish.

And dreaming up the ways in which those sorts of memories get dished out is, in a word, revitalising.

I'm so excited about this holidays! (Even though it won't really be one for me) Got planning peeps to meet, modelling peeps to meet, party peeps to party with, church peeps to know and grow with... peeps peeps peeps!

People! Gotta love them :)

In Faith Hope and Love!
teDDe~

She asked me, slightly perplexed, "How do you know my name?"

I told her, "Err, I heard it mentioned in tutorial classes." (actually I looked up the tutorial list and deduced her name using insanely complex derivation functions only known to me, and even then, only temporally ^^)

*cough*

Later on she asks me, "So why are you doing planning if you're in physiotherapy?"

I should have asked her, "How do you remember something I mentioned for all of 5 seconds 3 months ago?"

. . .

Oh, the stakes of adult networking, when second-guessing others' intentions is no longer an option, and folly to those who don't.

But it's still (very) fun!

In Faith, Hope and Love!
teDDe~

"Behaviour reflects personality."

John Douglas, psychological profiler for the FBI.

What do my actions say about me?

In Faith, Hope and Love!
teDDe~

What sort of things do you do when you're stressed? Here's my selection from today:

1. Typed in incorrect websites. Eg. www.facebook.uq.edu.au (correct site www.facebook.com).
And www.caradvice.uq.edu.au (correct site www.caradvice.com.au).
And www.mobileburn.qld.gov.au (correct site www.mobileburn.com).

2. Walked into the university toilet and sat down when I meant to go down the stairwell in Chamberlain (Building 35 at UQ)

3. Called tried to borrow out my own notepad using one of the library scanners (the book was underneath it).

And still, it’s been a lovely day =).

The sun shines upon my face and truly I know His hand is upon my life. Exams around the corner? Meh. =)

In Faith, Hope and Love!
teDDe~

Envisioning the future… where would we be without it? Better or worse? Greater or lesser? If we look to the Bible, it tells us in Proverbs 29:18 (NIV) that where there is no revelation, the people cast off restraint; but blessed is he who keeps the law. (KJV) Where there is no vision, the people perish; but he that keepeth the law, blessed is he. So vision, biblically at least, is linked with our continuing intimacy with God.

Humor me as I reflect on what it means to have vision. Let’s have a look at two quotes:

“Why, the world’s mine oyster, which I with sword will open.” William Shakespeare

‘The world was my oyster but I used the wrong fork.” Oscar Wilde



I like these quotes because they demonstrate two different but equally crucial aspects of life. If you’ve ever shucked (read: opened) oysters before, you will know it is not a pleasant business… there’re finger cuts, slippages and the inevitable lost morsel. Shucking an oyster is a time consuming process, but it is one in which the final reward is greater than the interim investment. Herein lies supposition #1 – life is a long term decision.

There is also mention of the sword as a utensil to open the oyster. I think it is an interesting choice, yet it demonstrates perfectly the struggle one will encounter when trying to wrest their life from the boring certainty of meaninglessness. A sword is a fighting object often with a keen edge used for slashing or piercing opponents (the one shown here is a flamberge). It was crafted to maim and kill, hence the person who uses it must be skill in its use to control its effect. And that person must be reassured in their ability to wield it properly in order for their swordplay to be effective. Historically, the (long)sword was often used only by the aristocracy. Coincidentally, in ancient times, only the aristocracy who had any hope of receiving an education, let alone a future. Thus I reach supposition #2 – the fullness of life can only be unlocked by informed and convicted decision-making.

And how about the unforgettable use of a wrong fork? Indulge me with some imagination for a moment. You have shucked your oyster, cutting your thumb in the process, which is throbbing from the ingress of natural sea salt. But you have it! You scooped the soft silky body out of its shell, transfer it to your mouth and then… whoops! It fell on the floor. You see, unlocking opportunity is only the first step in a multiphase process. For the purposes of today, the phases number two, the second phase being learning how to embrace the opportunities one has been blessed with. Leading me to supposition #3 – without proper preparation, all opportunities count for nothing.

All of this leads to a single conclusion – I need to make long-term decisions about my life that will only come about from informed and convicting decisions. These decisions will open up many meaningful opportunities that necessitate my being ready in order to maximise them to their fullest potential and thus completing the process from which they were borne out of. Not only that, but these decisions will help me stay my course with God.


Education takes time. And while the lazy person never has enough time for anything, the busy person will always be able to find time for something they love

It’s a bit of a mouthful but can you see the process that is at work?

As of 3 hours ago, I am now 22. Wow! Getting old. According to my original 10-year plan, I will own my house in a year, be married in two years time, and have made my first million dollars in 3 years. Let me tell you how I am going on each of those fronts. 1) I know where I want to live, that’s about all. 2) Haven’t fused with anyone yet and I can’t marry myself, so… 3) Since I started working in 2000, I have made approximately $38,000. Therefore I am roughly 4% towards my goal.

Unlike my 20-21 year gap, I didn’t set myself many goals this past year. Well, actually I did, but I lost the piece of paper that I wrote them on so I can’t hold myself accountable ^^. So I won’t dwell on that aspect (which is lost, anyway,) and just go straight into what I see for me and my future. But to understand where I want to be, one must understand where I am NOW. So, sit back and grab a pillow as I invite you calibrate yourself with my life.

Right now I am a part-time university student studying physiotherapy (Honours) at the University of Queensland. I am part-time due to failing an essential hospital component that has excluded me from final year clinical practice. I am an Honours student because I believe that there is no value to any profession unless one aims to pioneer new ground in it or become an outstanding example of best practise. Due to the dubious credibility of my ‘fail’, I 100% believe that I failed my exams not due to inadequacy on my behalf but because my God made a divine appointment with me. He did so that I may transfer the excellence I have fostered in other applications to working for the good of His commission – that is, reaching out to people who are lonely and hurting because their life lacks substantiated meaning.

I am the son of a Filipino Chinese father and a Singaporean Chinese mother who are now divorced. My father has business interests relating to tourism, hospitality and property in Southern Philippines. My mother works with aged care, and is engaged in taking care of homestay students after hours. I currently work as a L1 sports trainer with a Brisbane-based soccer club and perform additional contract work to primary and secondary schools around Brisbane. I also have an interest in modelling, currently.

I believe in truth, which might sound strange to you but I feel the need to say, because the lifestyles of MANY people in this world deny truth a place. Truth is, by nature, exclusive. It excludes all the things that are not truthful. Because I acknowledge the persistence and underlying capacity of truth to act as a motivator, I am convicted of my obligation to pursue truth in all forms. Spiritually, professionally, socially, personally… the list goes on.

I am a Christian. I believe in one God, who is present in three distinct manifestations and who is active and personal in my daily life. I believe there is no greater power than He and that it is through His unconditional love that this world is still blessed, despite its fallen nature. I acknowledge that my God is mysterious and I will never be able to fully fathom His ways, but as an expression of my love I will keep on pursuing understanding that I may more fully live into the character that He has created for me.

I currently attend Hope Brisbane Church at the UQ St Lucia campus. My attendance was also divinely mediated through a convergence of extraordinary circumstances that have left me beyond doubt as to its nature. Similar to the way I found myself contributing to OCF, I will aim to serve Hope, until He calls me once again. To something new. Something relevant. But until that time – whenever that may be –, I submit to the authority of the church, strive for its goals, and thus come under the protection of its leaders.

I have many secondary passions in life, so much so that I’m not even going to list them here. My passions entertain me, keep me active and engaged, and give me a reason to wake up every single day with too many things to do but 24 hours to do them in. I therefore believe that boredom is a fault of oneself, an indicator of the consumerism that covers society like a plague. I don’t believe that all lives were created equal, but this does not mean that I think life is unfair. There is nothing in my life that I am ashamed of because I recognise that every single part of it works for the glory of God in me. Therefore, I harbour no secrets.


No secrets? That's right. You get to see me when I'm silly (pictured), happy, serious, cranky, or blonde, as well as every other permutation in between. Don't get me rong though; I wear my heart on my sleeve, but it's clothed with diplomacy

Because of everything that I am, everything that I am not but want to be, and some things that I am not and do not want to be, I have a vision that will be further updated and refined as the circumstances in my life have advised.

HUMILITY, INTEGRITY, MERCY
These three aspects were last talked about on my XANGA site, in reference to Micah 6:8. Humility so that I know my rightful place in what I do. Integrity so that there is unity between all aspects of my character. Mercy so that I learn to die to self, for the sake of others.


ENVISIONING EXCELLENCE
Excellence is not a skill, it’s an attitude. In fostering an attitude of excellence I aim to pioneer new ground in every thing I do and for the benefit of those around me.

ENVISIONING PASSION
Clarity of mind loves clarity of passion; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what he loves. In remaining passionate, I live in the hope of achieving my vision, for I know that without passion, I will not complete my race.

ENVISIONING PURPOSE
There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all. In being purposeful with the greater vision, I am liberated to act spontaneously on the minutiae of everyday life.

Perhaps not the best example of excellence, passion and purpose... community sleep session in (admittedly) very nonsensical physio lecture. Hah!

THE ENVISIONED MILESTONES

Given that I’m 22, I thought that it’s pertinent to do an 8-year roadmap. In the fine tradition of applying knowledge to reduce redundancies, I will not log any uncertainties (such as marriage), concentrating instead on the milestones closest to my heart.

23 – I want to graduate into a well-networked job paying at least 20% higher than industry average and offering me with many opportunities to increase my clinical skills. I want to be serving in a ministry where my actions directly impact the lives of those around me, spurring people onward to focus on our God.

25 – I want to be recognised within the physiotherapy industry for 1) commitment to best practise methods, peer-nominated excellence in treatment, and specialisation in a commercially and socially viable area of practise. 2) Undertaking research on evidence-based practise, changing the way that physiotherapy is delivered not only in Australia, but the world.

26 – I want my own fully-owned (that means paid-off) house within proximity to my parent (or parents). This house will be used to further extend my ministry as a place of caring, encouragement and empowerment.

27 – I want to achieve financial stability. I will be earning above $120K a year from physiotherapy and above $50K a year from extracurricular activities such as share trading, sports medicine and guest lecturing. The portion of my finances not reserved for supporting my family, church, and other charitable causes will be locked into an investment account, accruing interest for the purposes of generating financial equity should I ever find myself in turbulent financial times.

28 – I want to set up my own business. This may be in conjunction with my father or as part of my own desire to create cutting-edge applications of physiotherapy. The purpose of this is to create greater flexibility in my work hours in order to free up time for a predicted upscaling in social and personal activities.

29 – I want to own four investment properties in at least two countries based at university campuses around South-East Asia. These houses will be used for rental but also as ministry houses for students to meet together and spend time in fellowship. The houses will be specifically designed as such in order to accommodate these needs.

30 – Coinciding with a predicted increase in volume traffic across the Northside of Brisbane, I want to renovate the existing premises at 818 South Pine Road (or any other sizeable block of land) to create a suite of subtropical-themed apartments that will be leased out to a primary population of young couples. This will also be used as a ministry tool to outreach into the community, done through monthly newsletters and social gatherings held with the tenants. 50% of the profit after tax from this investment will go towards charitable causes.

30 – ...I think I’ll want a very long holiday =)

I'm not saying these things for show. I don't mean to intimidate or inspire you with my vision. If that happens, it's incidental. No, what I write down here is a declaration of my faith in what I believe I am equipped to do. And as you are my witness, so to is God my signatory. Join me as I make my dreams a reality!

in Faith, Hope and Love!
teDDe~

FOR FULL DETAILS PLEASE SEE PREVIOUS POSTS

Hehehe... To be quite honest, I don't know what car I would be stepping into for this new phase in my life. It's not like I need anything more accelerative - my life is already fast, perhaps too fast. Nor do I need anything more flashy - with the current selection I can just nicely handle the attention I attract. I would like something bigger though, with more seats, more luxury. Something that allows people to sit beside me and experience life from my point of view in comfort and security.



Nothing flashy in terms of looks yet it carries itself well and feels... well, capable (the rear lights are horrendous but were partly fixed with the 2005 model upgrade). This is an exercise in simple elegance. This car walks more than it talks!

In keeping with the intent of purposefulness, I would like to propose the car I am thinking of buying, the Nissan Skyline 350GT (V35). Why? Because I believe that what I buy is a reflection of my character. I have already considered how this car would affect my ministry. I have already considered how this car would affect my career. And yes, I also considered how this car would affect the environment. And, well, I believe the Skyline will let me do everything that needs doing without restricting me unnecessarily.


Interior shot. Quality material finish, real woodgrain, practical buttons and honest styling. All in a $20,000 package (imported second-hand). That's good value, right? Just like my life...

But that's just speculation. I'll let you be the judge =)

In Faith, Hope and Love!
teDDe~

FOR FULL DETAILS PLEASE READ PREVIOUS POSTS

If the essence of life could be captured in a good drive, what would my last three years have been like? I’d like to think it was in a Lotus Exige. Exige? Isn’t that the alien-looking car that looks more at home on Martian soil than the roads around university? (Answer: Yes and Yes). Compared to its more popular cousin, the Lotus Elise, the Exige is a profoundly physical machine – it is a race car through and through. It is light, aggressive, is arguably beautiful and pretty exclusive. Primarily known for its agility; this car can hurtle through corners that would send most other cars – sports cars, even – belly up. What it loses in outright speed, it makes up for in sheer driveability and tractability.


Is any car more deserving than the Subaru Impreza of 'bug-eyes? Perhaps...

So why the Exige? If you recall, I exited my last phase feeling rather disenchanted with the investments I had made in my own life. I had met most of my objectives (snaps for me?) but failed in the overall narrative of living a meaningful life. In seeking peer acceptance, I sacrificed my integrity and life philosophy. If you asked me back in the day, I would have told you that I was undergoing ‘renovations’. Today, I reminisce that my renovations were probably like a monster truck madness event – hilarious and exciting, but completely pointless and excessively wasteful on so many other levels.

In coming back to my roots, I realised that while my ‘house’ had been all but wiped out of existence the foundations were still there. Thank God for that! However, I wasn’t satisfied with my foundations anymore. If they weren’t able to stop me from backsliding all the way back in 2001 (well, it began then, I think), for what reason could I have remained content with them? So, I bit my lip and began the arduous task of expanding my foundation… the result of which you witness in me today.

You see, I’ve lived in quite a few houses in my life (metaphorically and literally). Big ones, small ones, tall ones, short ones, cramped ones… the list goes on. In the literal world, moving from a small house to a big house is EASY… you just pack your bags , move in, and let your personality overflow. Before you know it… wollah!... in no time at all you’ve filled out the new house with memories of YOU. The same goes with moving from a shabby house to an immaculate one. It’s like a breath of fresh air. But, have you ever tried to move the other way? And feel that it cramps your style? That was what was happening to me, spiritually. I wanted to BUILD my house… the single story, 1-carport 2-bedroom 2-bathroom inner-city apartment was insufficient for my awakened ambition. I wanted more. I wanted 6 bedrooms. I wanted two stories. A swimming pool. Indoor gymnasium. An expansive granite tabletop kitchen. And a mini-auditorium to mix my own beats in. I wanted a house that would be !happening! every single night. The problem was, I‘d run out of foundation to achieve this vision.


God promised Abraham descendents as numerable as the stars in the sky. I have my vision too, and promises made to me. And I wouldn't trade them for ANYTHING

Without going into the nitty gritty, I built upon my foundation and got it to the size I desired. In emphasising the Exige’s supreme manoeuvrability, there were many tasks, both small and big that I had to juggle, but praise God I was able to cope. And I began to notice improvements almost immediately. Work was suddenly enjoyable… after 3 years of treating it as my cash cow and being disenchanted with bad workplace practices, it finally began to have meaning again. I began meeting new and exciting people who liked me not because I was a controversy, but because I had character (small but important difference there!). My relationships with existing friends reached new levels of intimacy and understanding. People’s lives began to open up to me…. Even as I remembered what it meant to be able to open up to other people.


physio physio physio! remember me in first year? and the change in second year? hahaha

The numerous transformations are too many to list. Instead I want to thank those people who have stood the test of time with me, those people who have seen me both at my best and also at my worst, because true friendship is measured by how we battle it out in the hard times. I want to thank the people who were brave (or stupid) enough to get into my cramped little cabin with me while I worked the clutch and throttle around the racetrack of my life. For the times these people had to put up with my bad hair days, bad mood days, or just plain bad days. When I used to come to university or work with a face so black that I spoke thunder and crucified people just by staring at them. But, also remembering the good times; like when we laughed so much I choked from asphyxiation, or over our little cino-chats, bowls of unfinished noodles, or were in the movies busy having numerous accidents with popcorn. For the times when everything was going so to-plan a I didn’t just feel like I had my finger on the pulse; I WAS the pulse. Every single moment… was a manifestation of this new foundation. Every single moment… that would not have been possible had I not made the hard choices when they needed to be made? And that’s a scary thought to contemplate – the curse of inactivity.


kette and tookyface - so near yet so far

Now for the not-so-positives. Having the agility of a blowfly and the velocity of an interstellar comet isn’t good when, well, I’m just a 21yo (not for long!) guy stuck here on Earth. It gets stressful running around at breakneck speed trying to achieve my vision only to realise I’m moving so fast that this world sometimes seems like a parody of life,... in still motion. The Exige is like that, too; engine noise on the inside is loud and uncensored, and would probably give deafness if you don’t wear earmuffs during extended usage. The steering wheel, while incredibly responsive, is so incredibly tactile that too much playing with it would probably give you RIP (repetitive input pathology – I made up that term myself). So yeah, the Exige was fun while it lasted, just like the last three years have been an absolute, kaleidoscopic blast of personalities, events and circumstances. But now I’m getting a headache and seeking a different refuge. A different drive.


Looks purty, but it does damage-over-time (DoT)

What’s in store for the future of me? Find out in the next post! (Tomorrow – I promise... the future always captures my special days, hehehe)

In Faith, Hope and Love!
teDDe~

FOR FULL DETAILS PLEASE READ PREVIOUS POSTS

Okay, now we’re getting to territory you guys and girls may be familiar with.

The prospect of university was a tremendously exciting and liberating one for me. No more compulsory school. No accountability to teachers. No homework. No mixing with boys only (I went to a boys-only school). No limits. No restrictions. Just me… and my naïve visions of world domination (hey, I DID plan to run a multinational by the time I was 24… that gives me umm, just over two years to achieve that. Hah!).

The 924 still looked pretty good but having driven it for almost 4 years I knew that among its many weaknesses was that it wasn’t built for the big league (even though it looked like it and was certainly more than capable in its own right). If it’s 2L van engine was happy to take me places with minimum fuss, I was looking for the rocket-propelled motorcycle (read: shortcut). So I got myself into a Chevrolet Corvette. The peoples’ choice for an affordable sports car, these cars became popular in the hotrod community for their application in a drag racing context. Essentially, that was what I was doing. I had my sights set on an end goal, I’d found my rocket ship, and now all I wanted to do was buckle up and hit those 11s quarter mile times.

Why did I think this? Well, for starters I was sick of being told what to do. 12 years of schooling in a culture that strongly emphasises independence seems a bit counterintuitive, even if it is for the best. I also wanted to increase my desirability and expand my audience simultaneously. Untouchable was not the theme of the day anymore. I figured that if I couldn’t manipulate uni so that it did what I wanted it to, I wasn’t worth my two cents. Secondly, I believed I had a bulletproof vision. I wanted to go out and save the world through revolutionary and evidence-based healthcare. Why would I compromise on a vision like that? And thirdly, money may be the route to all evil, but unfortunately out of necessity it is the route to a lot of other things as well! So I wanted to earn bucketloads of money early on in my career, dump them into positive cashflow investments, achieve earnings equity within a decade (sorry, I believe I am misusing terms for the more financially savvy among you?), and then retire and devote my time to philanthropy or some other notable good deed.

The most notable change that occurred during this period was that I modernised. I began to stay in touch with things that were happening in the world. I blame in on my economics class in secondary school, but I began thinking a lot about how the world works, economically and socially. I realised if I continued to stay at home, play computer games and be so singularly focussed on any given thing, work included, I would never be taken seriously. Instead of making tidal waves, I’d have made a ripple, or maybe two. And I’m glad that the realisation hit me early, because even now as I look around at my friends and other more distant acquaintances, I still see that same, fundamental struggle of reasoning happening in their own lives.

Another defining factor subsequent to this realisation was about my pride. What was once used as a tool for demeaning and belittling others evolved into a… hmm, I still lack proper words for it even now. Even as I completed my 180 turn from introversion into extroversion I began to utilise my pride as a means to sustain my momentum. If I was too slow I’d have nothing to boast about. If I was too stupid I’d have had nothing to show. If I was too unsuccessful I’d never be able to tick of my planning milestones, poor me. The fear of failure kept me pushing ever forward, determined not to be consumed by the incompetence of procrastination. While I’m not advocating pride as a sustainable force for character change, it more or less did the job for me.

There was another thing about this time that I remember. The change was so dramatic; I remember thinking that I could only orchestrate it with any chance of success during the transition to university, with a new audience who knew nothing about my past. For example, not many people believe me when I tell them I used to be super quiet. Not many people believe me when I tell them I used to spend days playing computer games without ever seeing a peep of sunshine. Not many people believe me when I say that I used to hate sport. And nobody believes me when I say that I used to work overtime at Dick Smith and refuse money because I was doing it for personal development (the minimum I demand these days is $35 an hour, direct deposit into bank please =)). Luckily my escape vehicle, the Corvette, was suitable. It was raw. It was forgivingly sexy. If it was a woman she’d be dressed in a sparkling red evening gown with the split up to her thighs and a cocktail held delicately in one hand, eyebrows arched questioningly.

I did many things during this period, some of which were laughable, others cringeworthy. In my first year of university I stepped into leadership of a student organization, encouraged drinking competitions, promoted promiscuity and in some (thankfully few!) instances, landed myself in some very compromising situations. Because I wanted to touch base with girls, I ‘metrosexualised’ my life. As the resident poster boy for my newfound coterie of pimple-faced followers, I felt obliged to become a gossip dissemination hub, matchmaker, facilitator of diffused spontaneity, KPI (key performance indicators – I was in a business club) whipmaster, and a source of constant controversy. In living and breathing the ‘work hard, party hard’ ethos of this organisation, I met every single objective I’d set out for myself at the start of the year. And totally destroyed my life in the process.

Second year of university brought about another transformation and the downfall of my corvette-driven life. My supercharged, liquid-nitrogen propelled trajectory forward was suddenly destabilised by a relatively light crosswind, so to speak. I exited from business (was always going to happen) and into physiotherapy, finally convinced that I didn’t want to do dentistry. I also began to realise how much I’d compromised myself in order to achieve my goals. Popularity was interesting but it wasn’t all it was cut out to be. So what was I looking for, now? I’d tasted leadership and liked the power. I’d mixed with girls and found a much greater depth of understanding and conversation –in some of them, at least – than I had in boys. I liked that. I had pushed the very limits of my promiscuity and found that quite stressful, not only for the unwanted attention, but also because it set me against a lot of other boys (namely the ones with girlfriends, hahaha). I’d become metrosexual and hated it… almost all the girls whose attention I didn’t attract thought I was gay. So what vehicle would I choose for this new (current) era of my life?

Find out in the next post!

PLEASE SEE PREVIOUS POSTS FOR THE FULL STORY

So, if my life could be embodied by a car, my formative years would have been spent as a Ford Pinto. What next?

By the time Year 12 had rolled around, I’d upgraded myself into a Porsche 924. That’s right, the one with the van engine. Because, as you’ll soon see, I was more show than go. I was reliable and had pedigree of sorts (academically and sporting-wise), but I wasn’t the sort of person that things’ happened’ around.


Didn't go as fast as it looked. It had more in common with 'Joe Blow' than you'd think?

In a human context, I was a generally athletic 17 year old who became a general enigma in my school, and even to my friends! I was smart but unhealthily elitist. I was asked to lead groups (soccer and study sessions) but the only reason I led them was because I had a point to prove rather than actually being a proper leader. All the younger Asians in school knew me (how? I never talked to them…) and wanted to get to know me, but because I was racist, that proved a bit… difficult. I was both a slob (used to wear my pants around my knees until a funny epiphany mid-Year 12) and a scholar… and having one foot in each camp meant that I was accepted by both, but when I wanted to race with either, I felt my life tearing apart. There was no cohesion in my life. While I became much more interesting because of my pursuits I compromised on how accessible my person was. And I had a venomous tongue, being hardly ever short of words to inflict upon people. And my humour was as dry as dust.

You know, I actually liked this period of my life. Sure, I could have done better – much better – in many areas, but for what I was worth back then, I think I hit the marks I needed to. I was supremely focused in subjects like English, Ancient History, and Religion, which have been the foundation of a lot of things I do today. I lament my rubbishing of subjects lie Drama, Metalworking and Graphics Design, which may have steered me more towards the business side of things. However, what did, I did well at, with a minimum of fuss and a good deal of motivation.

While the other boys toyed around with their sexuality and social life, I chose to remain stagnant. I never touched a girl inappropriately or compromised my own integrity, although I came horribly, horribly close during schoolies (luckily an altercation with a tree saved me, huh?). I sat back, observed, and thought about things. I thought about things very hard. I had many crushes (lasting 1 week or less), two romantic interests that I never pursued, and a lot of mocking from my friends to tell for it. Such is life. I’ve always tried to be aware of and resist peer pressure. As a result, when it came to the ‘happening’ parties, I was always the odd person out. I tried to make it seem like I was the one having the party while everyone else was clueless, but the difference between now (read: today) and back then was that I lacked the conviction to pull it off. A pity that, really. I wonder what lives I could have changed if I really believed what I said.

While every girl dreams of Prince Charming, every guy dreams about winning. Conquering things. If life was a fight, most guys would be in pubs brawls every day. Despite my inclination towards inactivity, I felt no different. I was looking for something to accelerate me. Something that could bring me to a new level of functioning. And that’s what I found in the Porsche. Slightly too flashy for what it offered but ultimately a decent drive that would stand the test of time. And that’s what I did (I think).



My formal pictures were highly illustrative of what I'd become. Physically there was a huge transformation, which was not just the result of puberty but also indicative of a transformation in lifestyle. However, if you looked close enough you could see some cracks. I was smiling but not happy. I wanted to show off but didn't know what to show off. I'd achieved quite a bit yet was relativley clueless of how I'd gotten there. My formal partner was so many classes above me (socially, physically and emotionally) that I wonder why she said yes in the first place. And asking her out was an accident because the many guys who wanted to ask her were too shy (we'd just met her at a party some weeks before) and dared me to ask her out. If there was one phrase my life must have embodied at this point in time, it was 'fake it till you make it'. Yughhh.

Still, desensitisation is a human thing, and soon I wanted more. More power. More acceleration. More more more!! What would come next? Find out in the next post!

In Faith, Hope and Love!

Part 1 of 4
WARNING: BIG words and MATURE concepts

I’ve been thinking about myself a lot lately.

That would be self-evident in many of my recent postings. Self-reflection can be a ‘dirty’ habit for some – it’s a chance to look inwards and be surprised by the detritus that has silently accumulated on the treasures that you hold in your heart. A dirty habit because people tend not to like to do it; it’s an uncomfortable, ignorance-banishing process that often necessitates action as radical as the realisations it creates. But I like the fact that it is a habit… once you start doing it, it gets strangely addictive. You get this kick of euphoria every time you do it because something exciting is about to happen.

Last night, I was reading about the dangers of letting petrol tanks in cars run empty. When the car is down to its last few litres of petrol, the fuel level descends into a layer of sludge (that builds up over time), sucking it into the fuel lines and potentially causing engine failure. How horrible! I thought, while skimming through the article. How horrible that something seemingly so insignificant can cause so much trouble just because I didn’t fill my tank up in time.

Ponder this with me… in what ways are our lives like cars? What manner of muck builds up over time, only to be exposed in the most ungainly fashion when we begin to get stressed? What kinds of things fuel our lives? Good quality petrol? Or cheap ad-hoc stuff that gets mixed up in somebody’s backyard? And what happens when the muck accumulates? How hard is it to get this stuff out so it won’t cause a breakdown and cause you – God forbid – to lose momentum?

Notwithstanding the myriad analogies that can be created in terms of car types, individual lifestyles and whatnot, I am going to attempt to retrace my life history (and future) – in four easy stages – for you to follow. You might be surprised at the cars I used to drive, and how I treated them.

STAGE 1 – Year 4 – Year 9

Throughout my formative years I was a fat, ignorant, and self-serving blob of lard who lived only for the joy of computer games. Inherently competitive, computer games have been a staple of the adolescent male’s diet for many years, now, shifting the focus away from more wholesome activities such as sports or social outings. I fell victim to its influences, along with all the side-effects, most of them bad, that came with it.

I wasn’t a bad kind of boy, inherently. One could argue that I was essentially average, and therefore profoundly uninteresting, unless you cater for the fact that I was only one of a handful of ‘foreigners’ in my school. Supporting me also was the fact that I hadn’t matured – cognitively or physically – enough to embrace a more encompassing perspective.


scary. do you recognise me? I don't *shivers*

In absolute terms, though, I was pretty horrible. It wasn’t that I was proud… I was too young to even know what to be proud about. It was more a reflection of the company I found myself in. Socially challenged boys and other niche societies, namely, exerting influence over me. I picked up some bad slang and equally naughty habits from them. I also wore my heart on my sleeve, something that got me into a whole heap of trouble with my more traditional Chinese relatives. Only my cousins seemed to think I was cute, and I have a sneaking suspicion that was more out of family loyalty than any specific endearment. I grew up with the understanding that I had lots of potential, I just hadn’t managed to realise any of it. And that annoyed me lots. By the time year 9 rolled around, I knew I had to change.


A picture of this car NOT on fire was... well, not the norm.

If my body was the car and my mind was its engine, I’d have had to be the Ford Pinto, a car whose image will be forever linked to images of exploding engine bays and the deathly wails of its occupants. I was a safety hazard – to myself, namely – and was prone to blowing up in panic when challenged. In terms of mileage I would have been surprised if I could get myself down the road and back without any serious complications! I’d been running myself to empty almost every week, and I lived for each day as it came not because I was smart, but because I had no conception of a future. The sludge had been sucked down the fuel lines and was choking my engine. Not good.

In summary, then, I hadn’t started life in a particularly good vehicle, to say the least. If I’d stuck with the Pinto, I was never going to get very far, impress anyone, or leave any legacy worth mentioning. Apart from something involving flames and lots of pain. Very obviously, however, that was not where I ended up. So, what changed? Find out in the next post!

In Faith, Hope and Love!